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Hello, thanks for checking out my post. I'm hoping people can offer some advice/insight to either set my mind at ease or help me look at things more objectively, as I have no experience of this and want to know what I'm getting into.
Apologies if this is a long post but I need to set the scene... (Having written it I see that to call this long might be an understatement! But I am fighting a battle in my head and would be incredibly grateful if you could take the time to read this and offer me your experienced opinion!)
(If it helps to know, I'm a 27 year old British guy, and she is a 32 year old Indonesian.)
I was travelling in SouthEast Asia for 5 weeks and on my first night in Hong Kong (2 months ago exactly) I met a nice Indonesian girl on the way back to my hostel. We had both had a fair bit to drink and ended up getting a hotel together for the night. Half way through the night we were talking in bed and she told me something to the effect that she goes out to the bar to meet guys to earn money. I took this to mean she was a "working girl" which made me uncomfortable and I expected her to demand payment when it was time to go. But we left the hotel in the early afternoon, we walked around a bit and she took me to see the market and we got a small snack at the Indonesian section. Then we said goodbye and parted ways. She didn't ask for money, but I asked for her number. I messaged her that evening and we met up again the next day.
We spent a few days together before I had to leave Hong Kong. We talked a lot, walked in the park and went on a day out to one of the tourist attractions. We got on really well. She explained a bit more about how she would earn money at the bars with the "business drinks" in Wan Chai where the girls get a cut of the over inflated prices of the expensive drinks guys will buy from them and spend the night drinking and dancing. She even took me to the bars one night, we had a couple of drinks in a regular bar and then a couple in 2 of the main business bars, but I felt really uncomfortable and she didn't seem too happy there either. I figure maybe she didn't like it there but thought I would be interested to see it.
At some point she explained that she didn't like to go further than the "business drinks" but had on 2 occasions spent the night and slept with men who she liked and who had offered her a decent tip (about £300) to go back to their hotel with them. I hate the idea of a woman selling her body but I'm trying to be open minded. I have had my share of one night stands, and understand that she needs money to support herself and her children. (She was married before to an Australian for about 7 years and they adopted 1 child and had a child together. He was unfaithful and her family insisted she leave him, about 6 years ago) She apparently came to Hong Kong a month before we met to work as a nanny to earn money to send home to support her kids through school and university, and to save some money to finish the house she has built near her parents. The ex-husband has no contact and gives no support (sounds like that was her choice to cut him out completely) so I understand it's tough on her and she is just trying to support her kids. She told me she had many, many offers in the bar from guys but would quote a ridiculous price just so they would say no. She also told me the bar staff had spoken with her because guys were complaining that she would take drinks but wouldn't go home with them. She said she accepted these 2 offers because she liked the guys and thought they were nice.
So I can just about get my head around that, but it's still not nice to think about, and makes me wonder if she is telling me the full truth. A part of me sometimes wonders if she is just playing down what she confessed on the first night because she realises I could be a good catch and doesn't want me to be put off with the full ugly truth. I also was initially afraid that she was just a gold digger looking for a westerner, as that is the main stereotype I had heard before visiting Asia. I'm not a rich guy and have been very open about this, but she genuinely doesn't seem to care about that.
I left to continue my trip, but we kept in touch daily and I ended up flying back to Hong Kong to spend my last few days with her again. We generally had a great time together, and she came with me to the airport when it was time to go home. Although we had only spent a week together in total it was very difficult to say goodbye, I felt like I was in a scene from some sad romance movie!
We have been in touch daily since, and have frequent and lengthy video chats. At the beginning I was still worried she would be going out to the bars, but felt I couldn't ask her not to. She has told me and I now believe her that she hasn't. (Her staying up often half the night on video chats to me backs this up) She admitted that she agreed to go along with her friends once but felt too bad and couldn't bring herself to drink or dance with anyone now that she has me. I believe her, but occasionally I have niggling doubts. Tonight for instance, her friend came over to stay, so we only got to chat for 20 minutes. She then sent a message to say goodnight at about 1am Hong Kong time, with a picture of them both ready for bed. I admit I am a bit paranoid and find it difficult to trust people as I have been hurt badly in the past, and she hasn't given me any real reason to distrust her so I try to stop the negative thoughts, but sometimes it's hard not to worry. Which I guess is why I'm writing this very long post! (Well done if you've bothered reading this far!) Tonight for instance I wonder if that photo was taken earlier to pacify me and she is already out at the bar when she sent it, which I know is ridiculous but not impossible. (Once not long after I got home she sent a picture of herself lying in bed that she had sent me 2 days previously. I asked her why not send a new picture and she got angry and said I was calling her a liar. Then when I showed her a screenshot of the same picture in the first messages she claimed it was just a mistake. But the memory of that is not helping me tonight.)
We have become quite serious rather quickly, but I understand that in Muslim/Indonesian culture people do not date or be boyfriend/girlfriend, the marriage comes before the relationship really starts. So we have obviously discussed these things, and how a future together might work. Me being a white, non Muslim living in the UK obviously complicates things, our financial situations don't help, and her family and their blessing are also obviously a big consideration. Her parents know about me now which was actually a big surprise for me and shows me that she really is serious about me. Due to me not being wealthy, and her needing to support her family, we have agreed that we will continue as we are for 2 years until her Hong Kong Visa runs out. This will let her support her family and finish her house and save some money, and allow me to save too. Then if all goes well we would have a Muslim wedding in Indonesia (which she suggested would cost 60 million Indonesian and that she would pay for half of it) and then she would move over to the UK with me (with me being responsible for paying everything else including flights for parents to attend ceremonies in our respective countries and her visa etc). Her children would not join us as the eldest (adopted) should be nearly finished university by then, and the youngest is now living with her Aunt & Uncle who have accepted him as their own, although she still sends money for his schooling etc. (She has previously said she wouldn't mind working here if I let her so that she wouldn't have to rely on me to support her younger son back in Indonesia.)
I believe this to be standard practice, so am content with that, and pleasantly surprised that she said she would pay half the wedding and would be willing to work here in the UK. This furthers my belief that she is not after me for money. (Although saying that, it also has to be considered that her ex husband was a pilot and she knows that I hope to become an air traffic controller, so that does sometimes make me wonder if she is only thinking ahead to the comfortable life I could provide her.) However, during the talk of wedding and expenses etc she mentioned the Mahar and asked how much that would cost. I explained that was a new concept to me and that I didn't know much about it, but that it would probably be about the same as the wedding ring. (She had suggested £300 for a ring and I had said "maybe more, like £400 or £500).
To be continued....
Apologies if this is a long post but I need to set the scene... (Having written it I see that to call this long might be an understatement! But I am fighting a battle in my head and would be incredibly grateful if you could take the time to read this and offer me your experienced opinion!)
(If it helps to know, I'm a 27 year old British guy, and she is a 32 year old Indonesian.)
I was travelling in SouthEast Asia for 5 weeks and on my first night in Hong Kong (2 months ago exactly) I met a nice Indonesian girl on the way back to my hostel. We had both had a fair bit to drink and ended up getting a hotel together for the night. Half way through the night we were talking in bed and she told me something to the effect that she goes out to the bar to meet guys to earn money. I took this to mean she was a "working girl" which made me uncomfortable and I expected her to demand payment when it was time to go. But we left the hotel in the early afternoon, we walked around a bit and she took me to see the market and we got a small snack at the Indonesian section. Then we said goodbye and parted ways. She didn't ask for money, but I asked for her number. I messaged her that evening and we met up again the next day.
We spent a few days together before I had to leave Hong Kong. We talked a lot, walked in the park and went on a day out to one of the tourist attractions. We got on really well. She explained a bit more about how she would earn money at the bars with the "business drinks" in Wan Chai where the girls get a cut of the over inflated prices of the expensive drinks guys will buy from them and spend the night drinking and dancing. She even took me to the bars one night, we had a couple of drinks in a regular bar and then a couple in 2 of the main business bars, but I felt really uncomfortable and she didn't seem too happy there either. I figure maybe she didn't like it there but thought I would be interested to see it.
At some point she explained that she didn't like to go further than the "business drinks" but had on 2 occasions spent the night and slept with men who she liked and who had offered her a decent tip (about £300) to go back to their hotel with them. I hate the idea of a woman selling her body but I'm trying to be open minded. I have had my share of one night stands, and understand that she needs money to support herself and her children. (She was married before to an Australian for about 7 years and they adopted 1 child and had a child together. He was unfaithful and her family insisted she leave him, about 6 years ago) She apparently came to Hong Kong a month before we met to work as a nanny to earn money to send home to support her kids through school and university, and to save some money to finish the house she has built near her parents. The ex-husband has no contact and gives no support (sounds like that was her choice to cut him out completely) so I understand it's tough on her and she is just trying to support her kids. She told me she had many, many offers in the bar from guys but would quote a ridiculous price just so they would say no. She also told me the bar staff had spoken with her because guys were complaining that she would take drinks but wouldn't go home with them. She said she accepted these 2 offers because she liked the guys and thought they were nice.
So I can just about get my head around that, but it's still not nice to think about, and makes me wonder if she is telling me the full truth. A part of me sometimes wonders if she is just playing down what she confessed on the first night because she realises I could be a good catch and doesn't want me to be put off with the full ugly truth. I also was initially afraid that she was just a gold digger looking for a westerner, as that is the main stereotype I had heard before visiting Asia. I'm not a rich guy and have been very open about this, but she genuinely doesn't seem to care about that.
I left to continue my trip, but we kept in touch daily and I ended up flying back to Hong Kong to spend my last few days with her again. We generally had a great time together, and she came with me to the airport when it was time to go home. Although we had only spent a week together in total it was very difficult to say goodbye, I felt like I was in a scene from some sad romance movie!
We have been in touch daily since, and have frequent and lengthy video chats. At the beginning I was still worried she would be going out to the bars, but felt I couldn't ask her not to. She has told me and I now believe her that she hasn't. (Her staying up often half the night on video chats to me backs this up) She admitted that she agreed to go along with her friends once but felt too bad and couldn't bring herself to drink or dance with anyone now that she has me. I believe her, but occasionally I have niggling doubts. Tonight for instance, her friend came over to stay, so we only got to chat for 20 minutes. She then sent a message to say goodnight at about 1am Hong Kong time, with a picture of them both ready for bed. I admit I am a bit paranoid and find it difficult to trust people as I have been hurt badly in the past, and she hasn't given me any real reason to distrust her so I try to stop the negative thoughts, but sometimes it's hard not to worry. Which I guess is why I'm writing this very long post! (Well done if you've bothered reading this far!) Tonight for instance I wonder if that photo was taken earlier to pacify me and she is already out at the bar when she sent it, which I know is ridiculous but not impossible. (Once not long after I got home she sent a picture of herself lying in bed that she had sent me 2 days previously. I asked her why not send a new picture and she got angry and said I was calling her a liar. Then when I showed her a screenshot of the same picture in the first messages she claimed it was just a mistake. But the memory of that is not helping me tonight.)
We have become quite serious rather quickly, but I understand that in Muslim/Indonesian culture people do not date or be boyfriend/girlfriend, the marriage comes before the relationship really starts. So we have obviously discussed these things, and how a future together might work. Me being a white, non Muslim living in the UK obviously complicates things, our financial situations don't help, and her family and their blessing are also obviously a big consideration. Her parents know about me now which was actually a big surprise for me and shows me that she really is serious about me. Due to me not being wealthy, and her needing to support her family, we have agreed that we will continue as we are for 2 years until her Hong Kong Visa runs out. This will let her support her family and finish her house and save some money, and allow me to save too. Then if all goes well we would have a Muslim wedding in Indonesia (which she suggested would cost 60 million Indonesian and that she would pay for half of it) and then she would move over to the UK with me (with me being responsible for paying everything else including flights for parents to attend ceremonies in our respective countries and her visa etc). Her children would not join us as the eldest (adopted) should be nearly finished university by then, and the youngest is now living with her Aunt & Uncle who have accepted him as their own, although she still sends money for his schooling etc. (She has previously said she wouldn't mind working here if I let her so that she wouldn't have to rely on me to support her younger son back in Indonesia.)
I believe this to be standard practice, so am content with that, and pleasantly surprised that she said she would pay half the wedding and would be willing to work here in the UK. This furthers my belief that she is not after me for money. (Although saying that, it also has to be considered that her ex husband was a pilot and she knows that I hope to become an air traffic controller, so that does sometimes make me wonder if she is only thinking ahead to the comfortable life I could provide her.) However, during the talk of wedding and expenses etc she mentioned the Mahar and asked how much that would cost. I explained that was a new concept to me and that I didn't know much about it, but that it would probably be about the same as the wedding ring. (She had suggested £300 for a ring and I had said "maybe more, like £400 or £500).
To be continued....
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