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US married to Indonesian, wants monthly payments??

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  • #61
    Originally posted by harryopal View Post
    I have been married twice in the last 12 years. My first wife, an American, passed away with cancer. My present wife is Indonesian. With each of these wonderful ladies I have always made a point of giving cash for personal use on a weekly basis so that they didn't have to ask for money any time they needed something. I cover all the usual bills and so on. It seemed important to provide each person with a certain amount of independence and dignity. I never ask how they used the money. It is a modest amount as I am not a high income earner. The arrangement has worked well and have never had a row over money.
    Yes, to this and the next one below (by Happyman). Your post essentially sums up the meaning of the concept of "nafkah" as I understand it. As Happyman says (to the position of the OP), try being on the other side of the arrangement in which one party is totally dependent on the whim of the other for funds, and this will probably lead to a better understanding. I started out in marriage thinking similar to the OP, and I had to be made to "see the light" which occurred during the first few months of the marriage. Since then, things have run a lot more smoothly between us.
    [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Warden: "What we got here ... is failure to communicate."

    The Dude: "Oh yeah? Well that's just, like, your opinion, man."[/FONT]

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    • #62
      Originally posted by ceciliasaiman View Post
      Hello!
      I'm Indonesian women and yes i should transfer to my mom around 1.5-2 million rupiah every month when my mom doesn't do anything for me. I don't know why this shit happen. sometimes i feel like a banker. but that's a tradition in Indonesia. I work and a half of my salary going to my mom. sometimes she wants more even i already give to her, if not she will be angry.
      My wife did the same thing for many years when she worked before we got married, although she had a very different "attitude" about it than you seem to show here. In her case, her parents and family are quite poor and they really needed that money that she could help provide for them. They still are and still do. Now, the money comes from my salary as my wife is no longer working in a salaried job. She never did and neither do I begrudge them for it.

      In the case that the parent(s) or family is substantially well situated financially that they don't really need the money from "rejeki" but still expect it, then in that case I can understand some degree of bitterness toward the expectation.
      [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Warden: "What we got here ... is failure to communicate."

      The Dude: "Oh yeah? Well that's just, like, your opinion, man."[/FONT]

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      • #63
        I have been married to my lovely Indonesian wife for over 5 years now and live in Australia.
        I have to tell you that my life with my wife is pretty much the exact opposite of everything you mentioned.
        Sure, I like to provide what I can for her but she has a job, not as good as the one she had in Indo but it helps us.
        She actually had a better lifestyle inIIndo so I am lucky to have her as my wife.
        We do have a good network of Indonesians here which helps.
        Personally, I don't like where your life is going. You clearly need to work out if you too really are good for each other. Not just you being good for her.
        All the best, make some hard decisions though. You owe it to both of you.
        The problem with Indonesia is, it's there and I'm here.

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        • #64
          I'm indonesian. If ur wife smart n want to hv her own saving money in bank this is what I will do. U said u give her money too for buy or get things she need or want. I will save some that money as my savings not spend it all. If u know I hv that saving money u will ok with that right? U gave that money n I can do any thing with it right? So tell ur wife that. It is only how u used to manage ur money.

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          • #65
            To the posters still offering advice to the OP of this thread: I don't mean to rain on your parade here, but just to save you some time or effort will tell you that the OP posted this thread some five months ago, made a total of three posts in it in a span of two days, and then promptly disappeared from public view here after the advice and opinions given started to, er, veer off the course he apparently wanted them to take. In other words, when he stopped getting replies mostly from people agreeing with him and taking his side, he absconded, vamoosed, made like a banana and split. He has not been heard from since (at least not under the same nickname), here or anywhere else on this forum, so there is a pretty good chance he will never read or benefit from your advice.

            But if you just want to offer your perspective about the situation in general or share your own experience, of course you should feel free to keep the thread alive.
            [FONT=Comic Sans MS]Warden: "What we got here ... is failure to communicate."

            The Dude: "Oh yeah? Well that's just, like, your opinion, man."[/FONT]

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            • #66
              Im a local and this is what all my relatives practice in marriage:

              If both couple work, the husband still give some money to her wife to pay monthly water and pln bills, food, kids primary education, and stuff. A certain amount, and the wife must be able to manage it to fulfill their monthly need.
              While the wife's money is her own, and to pay secondary education (kids piano course and such), send money to her parents, and others non primary expenses.

              If the husband works, and the wife becomes stay at home mom.
              The husband give the wife monthly allowance pretty big (a half or more than a half salary of the husband, my rich uncle even gives his wife ALL his salary for her to manage), and the wife must be able to manage the money for everything they need every month and IF the husband trusts her all his salary, she must spare some for the need in the future like kids college money, investment, and so on (in my family usually the wives buy gold to "preserve" some money).
              And if she want to send a few rupiahs to her parents that make sense, cos it's our custom that children must take care their parents when theyve grown up. But she has a responsibility to manage the money to pay household expenses every month.

              Now if the husband work and the wife stays at home but the husband's salary isnt enough to afford his own family secondary expenses. A good wife should have initiative to find extra cash for their kids course, her own allowance, and so on.
              Thats why many Indo wives at least have ever sold something, whether in Arisan, with BB messenger to her friends, or open her own Online Shop on Facebook, etc.

              The husband, no matter how small the salary he gets each month, must fulfill his family's primary expenses. Unless the children have become adults and make their own money.
              This is what happening to me now. My dad has retired, and my mom always has been a stay at home mom, so it's me and my sister's turn to support them financially.
              Last edited by taksukaikan; 17-03-16, 07:29.

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