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  • US married to Indonesian, wants monthly payments??

    Hello All,

    I am an American married to an Indonesian, we both live in Hong Kong and have been married for about a year now.
    We have known each other for about 3 years and lived together for a year before we got married. All has been well with the exception of my wife getting upset if I don't give her an amount of money each month for her to spend or save or whatever. I get accused of not taking care of her and being irresponsible. According to her all of her friends husbands do the same as should I. Before I ask for your opinions, let me give you more background.

    I am the only one that works in the household, I support all of the bills, rent, medical, car payments and all of the household needs. If she wants anything that most women want from time to time, shoes, purses, jewelry, I get it for her. We have taken some pretty great vacations together and all in all we live a good life in my opinion. I have never asked her to work or required her to. She maintains the house and I am not the type of husband that needs a hot meal everyday I come home from work. I don't drink or hang out in nightclubs and if I do go out she is with me. Each month when I get paid I usually give her an amount of spending money for her to have for whatever. If she needs more money for anything I give it to her. I think this is a pretty simple set up. On the times where bills are the priority I am unable to give extra spending money but she still gets pretty much what she wants, often I will go without what I may want in deference. So, this is the kind of stuff I have to deal with...

    1. She should not have to always ask me for money and she is getting tired of it. I am not supporting her.
    To whichI remind her that I am paying for everything and there is nothing that she wants the she does not get. And usually I just tell you to get it out my wallet and get what you need.

    2. I need to give her this money so she can be secure and also take care of her mom. I believe I am
    doing everything so she doesn't have to worry about security, I really like her mom and have no issue helping her, I believe our house should have priority, plus simple math says you only have so much money to go around.

    3. So and so's husband does this and you need to understand how to support an Indonesian woman.
    As far as I know and by American standards, I am on my game and taking care of business all of our needs are taken care of and we are not in debt to our eyes. I have looked at the internet to see if I am violating and unknown Muslim custom and have not found anything. Americans usually don't pay their wives as far as I know, we tend to struggle together and work through it. And I can really care less about how other people run their house.

    4. You should put money into my account each month.
    When the money is there I give it to you cash in your hand, I don't ask what you do with it and I don't care.We don't have a shared account because of the NAFTA crap from the US, you don't want to get caught up in the tax games. Plus, Americans usually don't pay their wives.

    5. I am unhappy with my life. We go where we want to go, do what we want to do. What is there to be unhappy about?

    I could go on and on but I think you get the general theme. So tell me, am I in the wrong? Am I missing anything?
    I honestly believe that I am trying to run my house as tight as I can. At this point I am thinking I am better off alone, there is always room for improvement, but she has my very best. And even to the point I spoil her. Please
    give me your opinions as this is totally new to me. Don't worry I will make my best decision on my own, I just don't know if I am violating some unknown custom or not.

    Thanks.....

  • #2
    1. She should not have to always ask me for money and she is getting tired of it. I am not supporting her.

    That's easy tell her to go out and get a job.

    2. I need to give her this money so she can be secure and also take care of her mom.

    Ask for her mums bank account no and make a monthly transfer, remember we are only talking a couple of hundred dollars here. This is fairly normal and I have done this for the last 10 years since my wife gave up working to take care of our kids

    3. So and so's husband does this and you need to understand how to support an Indonesian woman.

    Total bullshit none of the expat husbands I know have done or would do this, instead they support their Indonesian wife in the same manner as you do.

    4. You should put money into my account each month.

    See above - more bullshit. Perhaps if she was a cute little 22 year old playmate you were banging on the side perhaps, but your own wife ?? Given that you're already taking care of her in a good manner why should you ?? Again if she wants money in an account tell her to go and fill it with her own salary.

    5. I am unhappy with my life.

    "So fuck off then" would be my obvious answer, but having said that this sort of complaint (and all the others above) are normal from certain "types" of Indonesian women that have been discussed on this forum in depth over the years. It comes back to the marry a bule get free money forever type of mentality.

    However reading between the lines of your post and the questions you have posted my gut feeling is that someone in her family back in Indonesia is squeezing her to get money out of you as they have fallen on hard times lost their job etc. that's why I am guessing this is a fairly recent phenomenon, am I right?? Again the mentality being she must be rich as she is married to a bule, I know that a lot of wives of bules end up as piggy in the middle and are squeezed by the family exploiting the strong family bond in order to get money, again this subject has also been discussed in depth on the forum over the tears.

    Comment


    • #3
      Thanks for your insight Scooter. We have a kid coming so any money she could make would be wasted on getting child care. Hong Kong is not a friendly place for her to work and the pay would not amount to much anyway. Anybody else have any advice??

      Comment


      • #4
        I second and third scoot. He saved me a lot of typing on that.

        You are an American. In America it is a partnership. She is not your whore. You don't need to pay her like one.

        You are providing every single thing in her life and still giving her what she wants. You are doing your share and them some. You said kid coming, not here. I picked that up.

        I hate to say it, but I start to wonder if you helped to bring this on. She seems pretty spoiled. Did you spoil her?

        She is not a child and she is not your whore. Tell her to grow up.

        BTW I think you meant FATCA not NAFTA.

        I could see she would like a little bit of freedom and independence, but if you are giving her something in cash, that seems more than enough.

        Comment


        • #5
          I agree with both Scooter and Juking. She sounds like a prostitute, or one of those easy girls in Bali that latches onto an old foreign man just for money.

          She is a wife, you are a team, you live together and support eachother, she is not there for you to feed money to like some kind of pet.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Meauzak1 View Post
            Hello All,



            1. She should not have to always ask me for money and she is getting tired of it. I am not supporting her.
            To whichI remind her that I am paying for everything and there is nothing that she wants the she does not get. And usually I just tell you to get it out my wallet and get what you need.

            2. I need to give her this money so she can be secure and also take care of her mom. I believe I am
            doing everything so she doesn't have to worry about security, I really like her mom and have no issue helping her, I believe our house should have priority, plus simple math says you only have so much money to go around.

            3. So and so's husband does this and you need to understand how to support an Indonesian woman.
            As far as I know and by American standards, I am on my game and taking care of business all of our needs are taken care of and we are not in debt to our eyes. I have looked at the internet to see if I am violating and unknown Muslim custom and have not found anything. Americans usually don't pay their wives as far as I know, we tend to struggle together and work through it. And I can really care less about how other people run their house.

            4. You should put money into my account each month.
            When the money is there I give it to you cash in your hand, I don't ask what you do with it and I don't care.We don't have a shared account because of the NAFTA crap from the US, you don't want to get caught up in the tax games. Plus, Americans usually don't pay their wives.

            5. I am unhappy with my life. We go where we want to go, do what we want to do. What is there to be unhappy about?

            I could go on and on but I think you get the general theme. So tell me, am I in the wrong? Am I missing anything?
            I honestly believe that I am trying to run my house as tight as I can. At this point I am thinking I am better off alone, there is always room for improvement, but she has my very best. And even to the point I spoil her. Please
            give me your opinions as this is totally new to me. Don't worry I will make my best decision on my own, I just don't know if I am violating some unknown custom or not.

            Thanks.....
            1. open joint account in the bank and see how will the household money management go from here
            2. see point 1
            3. here is your problem, you have to talk to her more to find out why she feels you don't understand her, she is a foreigner in foreign land - feeling lonely, not having any friends-familly, maybe for her is not easy to find a job there (I can speculate on this only), no hobby. Don't compare your wife to other wives especially from USA. You are in mix-marrige which is more difficult due to the different culture's values and mentality.
            4. no need as long as she have joint account and she has got her own debit card
            5. see point 3

            I will guess your long list will go on and on but it is mainly 2 things money and unhappiness at the source in your relationship.
            Talk to her and take some action before she will get into "depression" stage in her unhappy life.

            Comment


            • #7
              Excellent posts above.

              I do see how it might be hard for her to get a job at the moment - with a baby on the way and living in Hong Kong, it may not be practical. However, I'd still hope that she would want to have a long-run goal of being able to contribute financially to the household/support herself. She's not gonna be a mommy of a young child forever. If she's bored, maybe she could do some distance education to improve her job prospects later on? Or does she think you owe her a lifetime of comfort without her ever contributing?

              Yes, I'm aware that being responsible for the household/raising kids is "contributing," even if it doesn't earn income. If that model works for you both, that's between the two of you. But it doesn't sound like it is working well, or you would not have posted what you did. Besides, what if you die? She needs to be able to take care of herself and a child. If that's not ever going to happen, do make sure you have a great life insurance policy.

              From your post, which I realize can't possibly give us the full picture, she sounds like a bit of a leech. If that's wrong, then hopefully you can help her think of ways she can prove it's not so (like doing distance education, or starting a home business, or managing your budget/maximizing your savings). If that's right and she is pretty much just a leech -- well, YOU married her. You made (or unmade) your bed, so ...
              Last edited by Puspawarna; 11-10-15, 12:46.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Puspawarna View Post

                From your post, which I realize can't possibly give us the full picture, ..
                I think this is key. If taken with what Smallworld had to say about sitting down and talking, obtaining the full picture is paramount. Commenters here would do best to assist the OP to understand what makes her tick. Suggesting that she might a leech or comparing her to a prostitute would surely have already entered the OP's American mind.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by johntap View Post
                  I think this is key. If taken with what Smallworld had to say about sitting down and talking, obtaining the full picture is paramount.
                  If people aren't allowed to comment unless they have the "full picture," then all message boards should cease to function. The only possible answer to any question is then "we don't know enough to comment ." How boring (and useless) is that?

                  Making comments and conjectures, positive or negative, is one way to draw out more of the background. If my post causes the OP to say "heck no, she's not a leech - here is some concrete evidence to the contrary" then the additional information is welcome. And we might not have gotten it otherwise.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Granted. But we know next to nothing about the wife (other than what the husband doesn't like). I would give more weight to comments related to being 'foreign' to her husband and place of residence. I think the situation could be better analysed when viewed with some respect for cultural difference.

                    P, my earlier comment was suggesting that the OP try to get the full picture. This forum will never know it.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Here's a question for the OP: how long has she been like this? Did it start before she got pregnant, or afterward? Was she looking forward to getting pregnant, or was it a surprise?

                      I ask because it is possible that part of her behavior could be linked to being pregnant. Some people do have tough pregnancies even if they are excited about having a kid - she might feel nervous about the new responsibility and the changes her body is experiencing might be making her feel wonky.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Guys great comments all, and I don't mind you being frank. Sometimes you need to call things as they are. This behavior has been the same even before the pregnancy, I have tried to explain this to her i as many ways
                        as I possibly can. It is just worse because of the hormones. She has taken it upon herself to talk to my friends wife to make a comparison of what they have versus what we have. Which in all ways is like comparing apples to oranges.
                        My friends have a joint account as husband and wife, however they are not from the US and subject to FACTA, so no worries about the account being subject to the will of the US in anyway. She is an university teacher and brings in a good salary
                        and can contribute to the household financially, where as my wife could not get a job with a salary meaningful enough to make a difference, it would not even cover the child care cost. My friends wife has a higher education where as mine
                        has basic secondary school math and limited english. i don't hide any finances and all my statements and bill are open to see in our back room. Yet i still get accused of hiding money and not giving it to her. i can't get her to check the mail daily let alone
                        run the financial aspect of the house. It is true that I did willingly get into this situation, and I have done everything in my power to explain how things are, but have never caught so much S**T for doing the right things. Are there any ladies that can give me the female side of this? Im at the point of saying you can't fix stupid and got buy a Lamborghini after she leaves.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          FWIW, I'm female (why do new posters always assume I'm male?). But, other than having the inside track on things like how pregnancy can screw with your mind and body, I doubt I have any special insights for you - my age and nationality (56 year old American) probably trump any similarities I might have with your wife because we're both female.

                          Anyway, you sound like you are trying to be a good guy in all of this. Hang in there - with a kid on the way, it may not be the best time to be thinking about ending the relationship.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            I am of a slightly different opinion. Comparing you to other men and trying to make you feel inadequate for the selfish goal of cold hard cash is a huge red flag. That is either childish or manipulative. Too bad you can't cut your losses.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              I'd guess it's only going to get worse, now that there is a baby that can be a bargaining chip. You need to have a serious discussion, and come to an agreement. If not, there are only two outcomes that I can see. Divorce or lifelong misery. Maybe even both.

                              Perhaps she should work to bring some money in. My first wife worked until the 8th month (her decision), and she kept all the money.
                              Sasa Bule is having a bayi!

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