After marriage the woman tries to take all my money

[eventsman]

Hello,

I am Danny from the Netherlands and i am married with an Indonesian.
I have met a lot of expats who have similar/worse experiences as me, in a slightly different way or without children.
The thing is, she was pregnant, that was the reason i got married with her, otherwise the child will get a stamp on the birth certificate saying "Lahir luar nikah" (Born without marriage).
Well in Holland, the government does not give a child that stamp. And the child will be grow up in a normal way.
We already did not match and I did not want to marry with her.
Again it was only done for the child and she did not want to do abortion.
I could just go away and not take my responsibility. But I took my responsibility for my first child.
I paid for all since I met her, since she has no money at all. She is from a kampong in Yogyakarta.
Also you need to marry with a religion. Since i had no religion i become protestant in this case. A lot of bureaucratic stress.
Now when the child is born, her and her family are not allowing me to even be with the child or to take the child to Holland, since I know, she will get a much better education and facilities there. They only allow me to pay and send my money. In which I always did. But I get no appreciation, but only attacks back.
Since I cannot handle their way of raising my kid also. They are strangers.
Parents in law can’t even speak normal Indonesian, just Javanese and no English. I do not want my kid to grow up in a Javanese culture.

Small list when she was pregnant:
- Pregnancy + vaccinnation my daughter 15 million.
- Food/pempers trolleys, carrier, milk since she is born 7 million
- Your AC, washing buck for the baby, microwave, washing machine, teak wooden table, couch, TV, closet17 million
- Rent 80 million
- your motor cycle : 15 million,
- your laptop: 5 million
- your phone’s: 4 million + 5 million
- food, hospital care etc: 20 .
- Car 60 million until now paid (credit monthly payment, which I stopped)

228 Million and she needs more and demanding it all the time.

Now, we are married with a prenup agreement. Now I am only thinking about the best of the kid. She is clearly using my kid as a negotiation tool to get more money.
Any experience or advice in what would be the best to do?
Should I go to the police and will they help? I am now in Jakarta, since in Yogyakarta, they police is following culture too much, so I would not know if they could help me. Or should I go straight to the lawyer and make a case?
I learned that I can’t just take the baby from the mother. Well in this case it’s not good for the baby.
Couple of things:
- She has no work, no money.
- She does not give breast milk, just bottled milk. since it is not created
- The baby is 4 months old.

Thanks for any advice,

Danny

[Jaime C]

Kids aren't cheap, no matter where you live. Condoms are cheap.

It it doesn't sound like you will have much input into the child's life. Not good for any one, but I don't see the family relinquishing control for you to take the child anywhere.

Not a good situation to be in.

Hello,

I am Danny from the Netherlands and i am married with an Indonesian.
I have met a lot of expats who have similar/worse experiences as me, in a slightly different way or without children.
The thing is, she was pregnant, that was the reason i got married with her, otherwise the child will get a stamp on the birth certificate saying "Lahir luar nikah" (Born without marriage).
Well in Holland, the government does not give a child that stamp. And the child will be grow up in a normal way.
We already did not match and I did not want to marry with her.
Again it was only done for the child and she did not want to do abortion.
I could just go away and not take my responsibility. But I took my responsibility for my first child.
I paid for all since I met her, since she has no money at all. She is from a kampong in Yogyakarta.
Also you need to marry with a religion. Since i had no religion i become protestant in this case. A lot of bureaucratic stress.
Now when the child is born, her and her family are not allowing me to even be with the child or to take the child to Holland, since I know, she will get a much better education and facilities there. They only allow me to pay and send my money. In which I always did. But I get no appreciation, but only attacks back.
Since I cannot handle their way of raising my kid also. They are strangers.
Parents in law can’t even speak normal Indonesian, just Javanese and no English. I do not want my kid to grow up in a Javanese culture.

Small list when she was pregnant:
- Pregnancy + vaccinnation my daughter 15 million.
- Food/pempers trolleys, carrier, milk since she is born 7 million
- Your AC, washing buck for the baby, microwave, washing machine, teak wooden table, couch, TV, closet17 million
- Rent 80 million
- your motor cycle : 15 million,
- your laptop: 5 million
- your phone’s: 4 million + 5 million
- food, hospital care etc: 20 .
- Car 60 million until now paid (credit monthly payment, which I stopped)

228 Million and she needs more and demanding it all the time.

Now, we are married with a prenup agreement. Now I am only thinking about the best of the kid. She is clearly using my kid as a negotiation tool to get more money.
Any experience or advice in what would be the best to do?
Should I go to the police and will they help? I am now in Jakarta, since in Yogyakarta, they police is following culture too much, so I would not know if they could help me. Or should I go straight to the lawyer and make a case?
I learned that I can’t just take the baby from the mother. Well in this case it’s not good for the baby.
Couple of things:
- She has no work, no money.
- She does not give breast milk, just bottled milk. since it is not created
- The baby is 4 months old.

Thanks for any advice,

Danny

[natasa2012]

I still can't belive that this story are real.
I think you should take a good lawyer and sort out this situation.
Good luck

[ScooterIndo]

Why marry her if you didn't love her ? That was just stupid Danny. If you were just shagging her and she got pregnant, ok accidents happen but you should have made it more than clear you did not want the child or a marriage and given her 10 million for an abortion and walked away making it clear that If she chose to have the child she would be on her own.

But you didn't you "manned up" and took responsibility for the child, but you're only responsible for the child and that's where it ends so hospital costs clothes baby food milk and later education yes. But unless the child can use a laptop and drive why the fuck are you providing a car, motorcycles phones a computer and all the rest of it ?? Especially if they wont even let you see your own child, fuck that.

As I see it you have the power as you have the money. Cut off all money until you get what you want, start making some demands of your own to see the child and send a (one way) ticket for the mum and child to come to see you in Jakarta, get the bloodsucking family out of the equation as that's who is generating all the shit for you. I have also seen this scenario before many times.

Once the mother and child are in Jakarta you can start negotiating on your terms. Again if an agreement cant be reached cut off the flow of money and seek a divorce, also check the terms of the prenup as I am sure it doesn't include motorcycles cars and washing machines. But probably says you are financially responsible for the child only in which case child support shouldn't be more than 5 million a month. This needs to be nipped in the bud now mate before these parasites suck you dry.

If all else fails and you cant get through this amicably then your final option is to get on a plane and go back to Holland and break all contact with the child and the mother.

[bad_azz]

I still can't believe that this story are real.
I think you should take a good lawyer and sort out this situation.
Good luck

Really?
It seems to be the template for so many similar stories.


@ the OP
I won't get into the moralising about condoms and such as that- cos its too late for that, you now have a child- like it or not, you now have a sham marriage to an unpleasant woman who sees you as the gravy train - perhaps... so you've learnt the hard way.

However, what you do have is a responsibility to that child, I suggest sucking up any and all negative thoughts about the woman, no matter what- you are stuck with her for the life time of your child/or you...married or not.

My advice- depending on your earnings of course- go to a lawyer or a notaris or someone fairly legitimate and impartial and draw up an agreement stating you will pay for example 5,000,000 a month to provide for that child, plus as the child gets older a tutor for English of your choice (for all the family) it doesn't have to be a native speaker, just someone who can help you all to be able to communicate and a tutor of Javanese for you.
Also make the agreement so the amount of support you pay will be subject to nego in relation to the amount of quality visitation you get.


Don't just sit back with your jaw dropped, handing out cash- take some control of the situation... be pro-active and use it as an opportunity to educate yourself into the culture your child will be reared in.
Then if you are in Indonesia make sure that you have a lifestyle/home that can provide for your child and be suitable for any visits.

**
A post grad job for an Indonesian would be in the region of 5mill a month, so its not as if you are offering up some unreasonably small amount... and in a kampung its a massive amount.

[eventsman]

Yeah condoms are cheap, but in that time, all seemed well. It is not that i did not want to have children, just not with a person like that.
Just found our about child protecting service. The point is not about my or her pride, it is what is the best for the kid. If the child stays with me in Indonesia or Holland. It will have a much better future, thats a fact.

@ natasha,
believe me, it is real.
Spoken with a lawyer referring me to the child protection law

[bad_azz]

Lol, Scooter pipped me to the post and was far more eloquent than I, as usual.

Interesting that we both see the 5juta as the ballpark figure, it is realistic, you won't want your child to starve or live in rags.

[bad_azz]

Eventsman- please see it as what is best for the child OBJECTIVELY.
Uprooting him/her from their mother at such a young age is not, unless she is being neglectful or abusive.

[eventsman]

@ baz_ass,

[COLOR=#333333]Don't just sit back with your jaw dropped, handing out cash- take some control of the situation... be pro-active and use it as an opportunity to educate yourself into the culture your child will be reared in.[/COLOR]
[COLOR=#333333]Then if you are in Indonesia make sure that you have a lifestyle/home that can provide for your child and be suitable for any visits.[/COLOR]

If i did not care and did not try to get information, then i sit down with my jaw dropped. I already spoke with lawyers and i will do everything, untill i life to take care of this child. First of all i need a divorce.

I try to actually find someone that has experience in these kind of situations. So i could share what the best solution is.

[bad_azz]

She is likely being obtuse because she is afraid of being left with no husband, a child and no money to live on.
Great idea of Scoots to get her out of the usual situation and talk , nay communicate properly.

It is unlikely that she will travel alone. Perhaps a ticket for her and one of her family and the baby would be a good idea, it might even help you to build a bridge with whoever she brings with her. (mum's the best bet- pain in the bum for many, but they are the ones who get to know everything and wield the power usually)

[bad_azz]

@ baz_ass,



If i did not care and did not try to get information, then i sit down with my jaw dropped. I already spoke with lawyers and i will do everything, untill i life to take care of this child. First of all i need a divorce.

I try to actually find someone that has experience in these kind of situations. So i could share what the best solution is.

Great.

I wasn't implying that YOU were sat there with YOUR jaw dropped, I meant that many do in this kind of situation.

Sorry, something got lost in translation, my bad- the nuances of native speaker language. x

[Vanhellsink]

Cut off all financial contributions other than essentials for the child's health/well being. Demand she give you reasonable access to your child or you're done with the whole thing and I think you'll notice quite a difference in her and her family's attitude.

[ScooterIndo]

So to summarize:

Get the mother up to Jakarta with the child, get her to agree to a divorce in return for 5 million child support and monthly access to your daughter. Have this agreement drawn up legally at a notaris. Should the mother not agree to the terms cut off all money and let her pursue legal claim against you (which she wont to because she is poor and uneducated) also remind her of your "go back to Holland" option. That way she gets money for the child and you reduce the money you're shelling out yet still having access to the child. Good luck mate.

[macvert]

It is unlikely that she will travel alone. Perhaps a ticket for her and one of her family and the baby would be a good idea, it might even help you to build a bridge with whoever she brings with her. (mum's the best bet- pain in the bum for many, but they are the ones who get to know everything and wield the power usually)

I thought you were going to say "build a bridge & let whoever she brings along sleep under it" ....

[eventsman]

[COLOR=#333333]Cut off [/COLOR]all financial contributions other than essentials for the child's health/well being. Demand she give you reasonable access to your child or you're done with the whole thing and I think you'll notice quite a difference in her and her family's attitude.

True, i have done this. But takes time before all the money is completely finished. The money i send for milk, clothes, medicine, vaccinations etc are not being used in my feeling for the child, but more for herself. Now i should let someone bring the stuff and not just send money for her to buy it.

I am not rich myself, but she is so kampung including her family, that they think the child can be rasied up without money and any facilities. That is the same way they brought up, so they do not know better.
Indeed she can never pay a lawywer for this. I just got in touch with : "http://www.kpai.go.id/hubungi-kami/". If i can prove the child has been abused or treated in a wrong way. Well, before they do something, the baby needs to be at least 6 months old. Then they could do steps. Furthermore, people that have more advice, please send me a private message, because let's see, my ex- actually reads all of this... Eventhough i am not writing exactly what i will do now.

furthermore, To get a divorce, seems still a lawyer issue. Does anyone know a lawer here and the cost of doing this without any hassle?
Please give me the contact details. After a divorce the police or kpai will spend more energy into this case.

@bad_azz
Sorry, my english is not native, so that must be the reason, hahah