Favorite joke

[davobali]

An old sailor returns to shore after a long long time out at sea .....,

First thing he does is goes and gets himself a prostitute , and then goes back to her room ...,


Being an old bloke , and not as confident in the sack as he used to be , he needs some re-assurance so he asks the prostitute , " How am I doing ? " ..........,


The prostitute replies to the old sailor , " Your doing Three Knots ! " ...........,

" Three Knots ? " , says the old sailor , " what does that mean ? " ...........,

The prostitute replies back , " One - your knot hard , two - your knot in , and three - your knot getting your money back !!! "

[naughtygab]

a sailor got stranded in an island that is owned by a small kingdom. but since he was charming, he was treated as a new prince. by the king, he was granted one of his daughter to be his wife.
during the first nite play , his new wife was screaming "avumbaba avumbaba " and the sailor thought... wow that must be a compliment ....
the following day the king asked the sailor to play golf.. and the king did a hole in one ...
the sailor wanted to show that he had learned some good words in one day so he screamed " avumbaba avumbaba"
the king looked at him with puzzled face," wrong hole????"

[ricky_id]

A male Battlefield 3 fan posts his status update on Facebook:

Hi, people. Right now I'm having a problem with my Battlefield game. After I had killed other users, I tried to reload and suddenly got thrown back into the main menu. I thought maybe it was a bug or something, so I decided to return to the game and as I was shooting again, this time the whole game hang up. What a piece of shit. I tried to find out what the cause was and it turned out that it came from the Caliber 55 with seven rounds which may have triggered the bug, and the problem is solved. I guess up until this point there are no females reading. So does anybody here know if there's another porn website other than YouPorn and Brazzers?

[Sky Garden]

My girlfriend says a small penis should not affect our sex life,



That's all well and good but I would still rather she didn't have one

[matthemo]

Shortest joke here
what does the number 0 say to the number 8
"nice belt"

ok, its not rude alright, i get that

[Banana72]

Drats...

[TheRuralJuror]

The classic:

So a duck walks into a bar and goes straight to the bartender. "Hey, ya got any grapes?" asks the duck.
The bartender gives a wary eye to the fowl. "No, duck. This is a bar. We serve beer and liquor, but no grapes."
"Oh," says the duck. "OK!" Whirling around, the duck walks right out the door.
The next day, the duck returns, waddling right up the bar. "Hey, ya got any grapes?" the duck eagerly asks.
The bartender, already annoyed from the day before, says curtly, "No, I told you we only have beer and liquor."
"Oh," says the duck. "OK!" He whirls around and walks out the door.
The following day, the duck returns to the bar yet again. "Hey, ya got any grapes?" the duck asks.
The bartender, already annoyed from the day before, slams him fist down on the countertop. "No, duck! I already told you, we do not serve grapes! We serve beer! We serve liquor! Now get out of my bar and don't come back! If I see you in here again tomorrow, I'm gonna nail your beak to my wall!"
The duck looks the bartender dead in the eye. "Oh," he says, "OK!" Whirling around, the duck walks out the door. The bartender gives a sigh of relief and returns to his other patrons.
The next days comes. The bartender spends most of his morning watching the door, waiting. After two hours, there is no sign of the duck. Relieved, the bartender begins his daily chores.
Suddenly, the door flies open. Casting a long shadow deep into the bar, the duck struts in with his beak held high. Slowly and carefully, the duck approaches the bartender.
"Hey, ya got any nails?" asks the duck.
"Nails? No..."
"Great! Got any grapes?"

-my friend Boston likes to tell this joke at get-togethers in a super long, drawn-out manner. It's hilarious.

[bad_azz]

Lol, I am liking the duck one

[dazzer]

A woman who's husband has recently died arrives at the funeral parlour to see him one last time before burying him.
The undertaker appears but before allowing her to see him he informs her of a problem.
" He must have died a happy man as his penis is erect and we can't close the coffin lid down,do you have any suggestions?"
The wife replies " Do you have a saw?" She then goes to see her dead hubby and proceeds to cut off his erect penis.
The undertaker asks what she would like done with his manhood to which she replies.
" Shove it up his ass " And shw whispers into her husbands ear : Fu**ing hurts doesn't it"

[Nimbus]

That duck joke is a nice one