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  • Wife suffering in silent

    My husband has a bad temper. He rarely apologizes on his rude behaviour. Although he has not done anything physical to me but he often raised his voice or give me cold treatment. He mostly get upset with my mistakes (nothing related to cheating). We can get by with better communication but he always lock himself up. I always tried to be the one who wants to discuss the matter in a good manner but it never works. Even if I cried, he doesn't bother to comfort me any more. It really breaks my heart.

    Instead of spending time with me, he prefer spending his night with electronic gadgets....

    Only when his mood is good, he will treat me nicely.


    We are just married last December after a long courtship of 8 years. I did not tell any friends or family about this as I really don't know who to turn to.

    I'm so confused if this marriage is worth keeping?

  • #2
    If you can't get him to sit down and talk, write him a letter explaining how you feel... or an email if he is always at the computer.
    Ask him if something is bothering him- does he have some worries that might have changed his behaviour.
    Be honest , don't accuse, just explain how sad you feel and that you are wondering if it is worth keeping the relationship.

    He is possibly wrapped up in his own little world and never even realised that he is affecting you with his behaviour.
    Cicak Magnet

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    • #3
      Don't keep your sadness a secret and don't be afraid to share with trusted family members, controlling abusers thrive by creating isolation for the people they are bullying.
      Cicak Magnet

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      • #4
        Only you can decide whether to keep or end your marriage. That will not stop the rest of us from commenting, though!

        A few questions, to better enable us:

        - Any children? Any shared plans to have children or not?
        - What nationality are you and your husband?
        - Did the behavior that makes you sad now exist before the marriage?

        I'm sorry you are feeling unhappy. Hopefully thinking over the advice (good and bad, unified and contradictory) that you will get here will help you to take whatever steps you need to take in order to be happier.

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by bad_azz View Post
          If you can't get him to sit down and talk, write him a letter explaining how you feel... or an email if he is always at the computer.
          Ask him if something is bothering him- does he have some worries that might have changed his behaviour.
          Be honest , don't accuse, just explain how sad you feel and that you are wondering if it is worth keeping the relationship.

          He is possibly wrapped up in his own little world and never even realised that he is affecting you with his behaviour.
          I've tried the method you suggest by expressing how sad I feel in a letter. Of course, i did not tell him that I'm considering that the relationship is worth to keep. After seeing the letter, he treats me better. But when his anger boils, he just forgets everything.

          The cold treatment he gave me. Is it because he's controlling himself from saying more hurtful things?

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          • #6
            Originally posted by Puspawarna View Post
            Only you can decide whether to keep or end your marriage. That will not stop the rest of us from commenting, though!

            A few questions, to better enable us:

            - Any children? Any shared plans to have children or not?
            - What nationality are you and your husband?
            - Did the behavior that makes you sad now exist before the marriage?

            I'm sorry you are feeling unhappy. Hopefully thinking over the advice (good and bad, unified and contradictory) that you will get here will help you to take whatever steps you need to take in order to be happier.
            We do not have any children yet and have no planning for it as we just settled down in a new city due to his job relocation.
            We are Chinese, from rather conservative family.
            The bad behaviour do happen before marriage but it seems to getting worse over time.

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            • #7
              sorry to hear your problem. may i ask some questions ? 1. is he in a bad situation at his job? .. do you know something that bothers him? 2. have you recognized what turns him into anger? 3. sorry to ask, is he seeing someone else? 4. have you ever try to ask him out on a weeknd and have a chat between you and him, maybe .. maybe you also slightly change after the marriage, which is a bit normal when people change after the wedding. revealing the real side that have been hidden during dating time. 5. if things are actually ok , and he is the only problem, then maybe marriage counselor is the option. and if he refuses, maybe take some time apart. i wont suggest divorce or splitting up as a thing to do. ... that should only be the last choice. hope things would get better soon
              dont judge a book by it cover. judge it by it price. good books are expensive

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              • #8
                It could be a case of electronic gadget addiction. Try the possibility of 24 hours with neither of you allowed to use them, then it would force communication with each other. His anger could be withdrawal symptoms from the gadgets.

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                • #9
                  Hi there I'm sorry about what happened, first of all. I had plenty of abusive relationships in the past and the the worse kind is verbal abuse, you'd think you're worthless and you only have him because he basically cleared off all of your friends, you'd think you're nothing and when he did stuff that is out of the line, he'd always come back to say sorry, and then you forgive this person, and then same things happened, it's a vicious circle.It takes two to tango so if there's no signs of him doing the same effort as you are to make the relationship works, then I would just discuss it with him, and if it still doesn't work, maybe intervention or marriage counseling? I dunno I've never been married before, it's easier to break up than to divorce I guess. And if it still doesn't work, think about it if you want to be in a dysfunctional marriage, or should you move on? I think you should do it before you have kids.
                  Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by wsiewpui View Post
                    My husband has a bad temper. He rarely apologizes on his rude behaviour. Although he has not done anything physical to me but he often raised his voice or give me cold treatment. He mostly get upset with my mistakes (nothing related to cheating). We can get by with better communication but he always lock himself up. I always tried to be the one who wants to discuss the matter in a good manner but it never works. Even if I cried, he doesn't bother to comfort me any more. It really breaks my heart.

                    Instead of spending time with me, he prefer spending his night with electronic gadgets....

                    Only when his mood is good, he will treat me nicely.


                    We are just married last December after a long courtship of 8 years. I did not tell any friends or family about this as I really don't know who to turn to.

                    I'm so confused if this marriage is worth keeping?
                    My brother-in-law is now separated with his wife, not divorce yet. Been separated for almost 2 years, now living in different countries. Almost similar like yours, after lived together for about 8 years, met in Uni, they got n stayed married for about 1 year. I don't know what happened in their marriage tho.. Does this help? No?..

                    Sometimes when you are stay together for a long time, you are expected to get married. Maybe both of you actually felt that marriage isn't for you, but your family, friends, colleague pressure made you do what they say 'the right thing to do'. Now after the marriage you both feel frustrated .. I think you two are just 2 nice people that doesn't want to hurt each other. The frustration made you became annoying and him became an angry person. I am not an English native speaker, I am sorry if my choice of words sound harsh.
                    Last edited by Missnaughty; 10-03-14, 21:26.

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                    • #11
                      I'd try to get to the real reason of his anger. Everyone gets angry sometimes, but you need to handle it appropriately. Moving and a new job can be very stressful.
                      Sasa Bule is having a bayi!

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Missnaughty View Post
                        My brother-in-law is now separated with his wife, not divorce yet. Been separated for almost 2 years, now living in different countries. Almost similar like yours, after lived together for about 8 years, met in Uni, they got n stayed married for about 1 year. I don't know what happened in their marriage tho.. Does this help? No?..

                        Sometimes when you are stay together for a long time, you are expected to get married. Maybe both of you actually felt that marriage isn't for you, but your family, friends, colleague pressure made you do what they say 'the right thing to do'. Now after the marriage you both feel frustrated .. I think you two are just 2 nice people that doesn't want to hurt each other. The frustration made you became annoying and him became an angry person. I am not an English native speaker, I am sorry if my choice of words sound harsh.
                        I think we are facing the same problem. As time goes by, I really feel less appreciated. It's always me who try to salvage the relationship.

                        We have no other probs. Not 3rd party since he's always at home n come back home quite early after work.

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                        • #13
                          I don't think there's any underlying problems...

                          I do admit that I'm quite a clumsy person. It seems that he can't tolerate with any kind of mistakes. It does make me feel useless.

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Madame Jeanette View Post
                            Hi there I'm sorry about what happened, first of all. I had plenty of abusive relationships in the past and the the worse kind is verbal abuse, you'd think you're worthless and you only have him because he basically cleared off all of your friends, you'd think you're nothing and when he did stuff that is out of the line, he'd always come back to say sorry, and then you forgive this person, and then same things happened, it's a vicious circle.It takes two to tango so if there's no signs of him doing the same effort as you are to make the relationship works, then I would just discuss it with him, and if it still doesn't work, maybe intervention or marriage counseling? I dunno I've never been married before, it's easier to break up than to divorce I guess. And if it still doesn't work, think about it if you want to be in a dysfunctional marriage, or should you move on? I think you should do it before you have kids.
                            He never say sorry. That's sad huh?

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Outside stresses maybe a cause as Jamie said. On the other hand the guy's personality may be the root of the attitude. If that's the case, there is little chance of a fix. Then it becomes a matter of the OP admitting to herself that the marriage was a mistake. Once that bridge is crossed, the rest is not easy, but at least the uncertainty is gone and eventually life will be better.

                              A trial separation coupled with counseling, as earlier suggested, is a proven way to help decide which way to jump. In that the behavior was evident before the marriage and only has gotten worse after, it could very easily escalate. Keeping silent, doing nothing is not a good option.
                              Last edited by waarmstrong; 10-03-14, 22:40.

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