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Indonesian Men take pride by being a good provider? True or False

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  • #76
    When everything is said and done if you really want to find out what's what in your relationship simply say NO to her financial demands.
    Make up any excuse you like, or even just say NO I DONT WANT TO SUBSIDISE YOUR LIFE. Then see what happens.

    If it makes no difference to the relationship then you may have picked a winner, but having read what you have submitted to the thread personally I wouldn't hold my breath. I suspect she will have you dumped in a new York minute. If you want to end your torment then take the litmus test once and for all mate.

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    • #77
      My advice to OP : money can be found everywhere, as long as you work hard.. the girl of your dream is different case...
      My life would be a living hell if stay married to someone that count how much money I spent for chillies.. ( the price of chillies is rising, and Indonesian people can not live without it )

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      • #78
        Originally posted by Missnaughty View Post
        My advice to OP : money can be found everywhere, as long as you work hard.. the girl of your dream is different case...
        My life would be a living hell if stay married to someone that count how much money I spent for chillies.. ( the price of chillies is rising, and Indonesian people can not live without it )
        lol Misnaughty! Are you saying you are just like my fiancee? Or you're feeling how she is feeling? yeah, chillies are damn expensive! **roll-eyeys** heheh

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        • #79
          Originally posted by PhilippeD View Post
          I would not get MARRIED with someone who consider me as an option among other.

          I would let her the chance to try other option.

          My wife never ever ask me money when we were dating.
          The only money i ever send her was for paid our wwedding.

          If the fact of not sending money put your couple in danger... Think about what interest does she have in you???
          Were you long distance? We can only be together for a few weeks, before i leave and go back to my country. The only way to close the distance is to get married, so she can come here and stay with me. But this requires us to really take this relationship seriously in a short time. If one of us is not fully in, it will not work i am afraid. But when we're married, she off course expects me to support her till she comes here. I think there is nothing wrong with demanding her husband to support her.

          May i ask what are you giving your wife now? Do you support her financially? She never asks for money after she was married with you??

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          • #80
            Originally posted by Visitor77 View Post
            Were you long distance? We can only be together for a few weeks, before i leave and go back to my country. The only way to close the distance is to get married, so she can come here and stay with me. But this requires us to really take this relationship seriously in a short time. If one of us is not fully in, it will not work i am afraid. But when we're married, she off course expects me to support her till she comes here. I think there is nothing wrong with demanding her husband to support her.

            May i ask what are you giving your wife now? Do you support her financially? She never asks for money after she was married with you??
            Why is that an "of course"? Are you marrying a partner, with whom you can share goals and responsibilities, or buying a pet, who will then become your responsibility? Sure, there have been times when either my wife or I were the sole breadwinner, but it wasn't because one of us was designated as "Required to Support", and the other designated as "Supportee". We took care of each other because we were able to, and wanted to, and it fit the particular circumstances. Why are you willingly buying into this permanent role? It's not even the same as MissN's stories, where the wife takes care of house stuff, your girl is expecting you to support her from outside the country just because she doesn't want to work.
            Last edited by Happyman; 16-06-15, 17:30.

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            • #81
              You should also consider - maybe your fiance is not really looking for love (meaning love is not the important factor for her in finding a husband) but rather financial security is more important in her book. It might not even be "evil" intentions, but just what is important for her (or what she believes now is most important). Maybe she has never known love, or has given up on it, so she figures why not secure her future - hence the "test" now. If you are willing to have her if it can only be on those terms, by all means proceed (but I wouldn't expect it to last). If you really are looking for love, suggest you get to know each other better and make sure - and tell her to stop the games and be the independent woman she pretends to be.

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              • #82
                Originally posted by BAJakarta View Post
                You should also consider - maybe your fiance is not really looking for love (meaning love is not the important factor for her in finding a husband) but rather financial security is more important in her book. It might not even be "evil" intentions, but just what is important for her (or what she believes now is most important). Maybe she has never known love, or has given up on it, so she figures why not secure her future - hence the "test" now. If you are willing to have her if it can only be on those terms, by all means proceed (but I wouldn't expect it to last). If you really are looking for love, suggest you get to know each other better and make sure - and tell her to stop the games and be the independent woman she pretends to be.
                You know my gf/fiancee mentioned/argueed with me before, that Love is (sometimes) not enough to have a good marriage. And after thinking about it, she might probably be right, and i agreed with her. There are even songs about this, "Love is not enough....". Maybe due to her past dissapointments in relationships, she now doesn't believe in true love anymore. I am aware she may be just settling with me, although she tells me i am the best. But maybe, in some way, we are both settling (if settling means we still have doubts if we are ment for eachother) for eachother and when we do spend much time together, our "love" will change to "true" love or long lasting love, i also think it all depends on how willing we are to be vulnerable in this relationship and truely get to trust eachother...if that happens, the rest (the love) will grow. But thanks for your advice BAJakarta: "If you really are looking for love, suggest you get to know each other better and make sure - and tell her to stop the games and be the independent woman she pretends to be", am thinking about to confront her and tell her exactly this. Maybe for both of us, the commitment (marriage) will do us good, rather just waiting and dating around. Maybe i am just wishfull-thinking here, though thinking positive is the first step on getting what you want ....they say...
                Last edited by Visitor77; 17-06-15, 18:46.

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                • #83
                  Hi, im married with Indonesian 7 years ago,and i can tell you, its part of their culture, marriage here is really the concept of being financial secured and as husband you'll have to take care your in laws family more than yours, Indonesians take care of their parents and siblings. and some of them think foreigner is too independent and egoist .
                  at beginning i was confused, but after more discussion, i understand and get along with, you just have to control it. so she will not spend all. anyway make your loved ones happy is priceless.. and im happy when i can pay her needs, so she can rely on me, not someone else.
                  especially if what she asked is important thing. ( not gift etc)
                  lots of indonesian women think your money is my money and my money is mine. unless you find a very global independent who were rich and her family infependent too. but again, soon or later Indonesian wife will prefer take care her family and let their husband work, especially when she got babies. they love family more than their job maybe, and the culture here make it that way, a man provide house,food and love, woman enjoy the rest.. and lots of Indonesian men treat their wife that way,they prefer wife at home, and take care of the kids. some of them belief that the kids will be ruined if both work, and it kept continued that way, a wife obey to husband,husband work and control. but their job is not easy either, they have to take care of the kids, house, take care of the bills, etc. even some of husband give their salary to their wife everymonth and their wife take care of the flow. again its about culture, maybe most in Asia woman are like this. it depend where does she come from, Sundanese, Padang, Aceh, Sulawesi,Batak, or what? every area has their own culture. If you want to be treat, marry with Padang area woman(i forget which area), there the woman work and men stay at home, or in some part of Bali, the woman do poliandri, which the woman work and the mens gambling and play around. its common they have several husband too. so knowing more their culture will help you to understand their background. But dont forget, some women just fool you for money, some testing your ability, and some really a materialistic person. but marriage is about acceptance too, so be prepared, different culture background is not easy. but its the challenge.
                  maybe you should ask her openly about it and tell her if you confuse with her behaviour.
                  but remember, in Indonesia, yes the bf who pay the bill, unless you are the gigolo.. goodlooking men with old woman being paid in hotels or restos..lol

                  anyway, normally a working woman gf doesnt want your money, they will want to pay their own bill. but once you are engaged, they will started ask you pay their bill. haha

                  but if you are lucky, you get a rich one who always want to pay your bill, example, chinese family..they will race to pay the bill in the resto.
                  Last edited by candypapa; 18-06-15, 06:22.

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                  • #84
                    A lot depends on how both of you define security doesn't it? And also if a relationship is truly a partnership. I am old fashioned enough to believe that real security means having a 6 to 12 month nest egg set aside to survive the loss of a job, pay for those unexpected expenses that pop up, pay credit cards fully to avoid those super high interest rates. I also believe in different types of insurance to provide for the family in case of tragedy.

                    I also realize I am lucky. When my wife was working, her income was our income. Her family does not expect us to support them. They are proud and hard working. We do pay them fairly for work done around the house or in the fields, but never in 10 plus years have they just asked for money or even hinted they expect support.

                    However, if support means providing high priced bags, shoes, jewelry before other things, in my younger days, I might have used her for sex in exchange for the way she was using me. But a relationship? Never. I don't believe materialism fades with age just as I don't believe the requirements to take care of the family and the need to separate earnings ever fades.

                    If you think a change of location or marriage will change anything.. anything is possible. But be prepared for a lifetime of the behavior you are seeing now.

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                    • #85
                      Eh...

                      Originally posted by candypapa
                      ...but if you are lucky, you get a rich one who always want to pay your bill, example, chinese family..they will race to pay the bill in the resto.
                      ...I guess I married into the wrong family then. Even if clichés (Dutch, Chinese, Scottish) are not clichés for nothing, yet it depends on the person.
                      Last edited by jstar; 18-06-15, 10:42.
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                      • #86
                        Here is some evidence that may shed some light on this question:

                        [COLOR=#3F3F3F][FONT=Arial]Jakarta. No fewer than 38 percent of women in parts of West Java's Bogor district tie the knot before turning 18, a survey has found, with almost 8 percent of brides being under 15.
                        [/FONT][/COLOR]
                        [COLOR=#3F3F3F][FONT=Arial]The research, by children's rights NGO Plan International and UK legal charity Coram Children’s Legal Centre (CCLC), was carried out in Bangladesh and Pakistan as well. In Indonesia, the surveyed subdistricts were Babakan Madang and Cigudeg, both located not far from Jakarta.
                        [/FONT][/COLOR]
                        [COLOR=#3F3F3F][FONT=Arial]In their report, titled "Getting the Evidence: Asia Child Marriage Initiative," the researchers say that in all three countries, there is the widely shared belief that "having an age gap between husbands and wives is necessary for securing male dominance in the household" -- with a majority of respondents agreeing that "younger brides are preferable because they are more obedient and respectful of their husbands."

                        JG today[/FONT][/COLOR]

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                        • #87
                          I love that certain traditional quality about men become the provider for his family, i see it as a gentelmanly conduct. Men should at least pay monthly house bills (electricity, water, maid), pay for food and grocery, pay for kids education, and give his wife allowance (if his wife's a stay at home mom). Men should indeed provide primary need of their family, but thats about it.

                          You dont have obligation to buy her jewelry all the time, and buy her anything she wants. Especially when she's just your GF.

                          You have no obligation to support her financially if she's just a GF.

                          Be careful with women like these.
                          There are foreigner-hunters in Indo who want you guys for the money, and possibly green card.

                          Decent women anywhere dont act like your GF, not just in Indo.

                          Im sorry to say this, sounds like youve become a milking cow for this GF of yours. Big chance youll have to become the cow for her family too if oneday she becomes your wife.
                          Last edited by taksukaikan; 15-03-16, 01:08.

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