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  • #16
    managing MONEY with Indonesian GIRLFRIEND.

    Sorry for you.. This is indonesia.. not just my personal beliefs . If you do not like it here, you may be living in the wrong country if you think it does not apply. Sounds like you are indirectly insulting the religion here. Not a smart move ...let me guess... you are from new zealand..or usa?

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    • #17
      Admin ,off topic flaming ,

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      • #18
        On topic. You cannot suppress the indonesian culture just because you hate it.

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        • #19
          Originally posted by Saifislam View Post
          managing MONEY with Indonesian GIRLFRIEND.

          Sorry for you.. This is indonesia.. not just my personal beliefs . If you do not like it here, you may be living in the wrong country if you think it does not apply. Sounds like you are indirectly insulting the religion here. Not a smart move ...let me guess... you are from new zealand..or usa?
          What?? How in the world am I inderectly insulting islam? I am a Muslim and so is she. Yes, I am from the USA, and I love Indonesia, but just because I don't understand some things here how does that mean I'm insulting people, or the religion?? Is treating me like an ATM a part of Islam? No, I didn't think so. I don't understand the way people are perceiving me here. That's the reason I posted here, so people can help me to understand. I did not grow up here, you can't just expect me to automatically understand people's intentions in this country.
          Shame on you for assuming that I am insulting my own religion just because I am a foreigner.

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          • #20
            Originally posted by hektix08 View Post
            When we first started dating, things were very casual and I was footing the bill as I would do back in the US with a new girlfriend, and everything seemed pretty normal to me. However though, as our relationship has progressed it seems like I am more or less considered a bank. The funny thing is, it isn't even her treating me that way, she more or less expects it. For example, as our relationship has progressed, her friends and family will visit us quite a bit, and every single time I foot the bill 100%. Every meal, every taxi, going out somewhere, etc. When her friends visit, it has gotten to the point where they will stay for close to a week and anything they need comes out of my wallet, including the taxi when they leave. When family visits, it's the same with that many more people. Is this normal here? I don't mind paying for meals, small groceries, or outings for visitors sometimes, and I love the girl and all, but it's starting to bother me because I never do this in the US. Instead of paying 100k for a simple meal for us I'm spending 2-3x that on a regular basis.
            ​​​​​​​
            When I first dated my wife, we didn't have these issues because we were both overseas. However, after getting married, I then was considered part of the family and expected to contribute for the collective good, and of course, it was in absurdly disproportionate amounts. After footing the bill for a few big ticket items, and when visiting having to distribute cash to family members, I told my wife we were going to back off (quite) a bit, as I saw this was a slippery slope, with expectations just continuing to grow. She had a talk with her father and things have been good ever since. We still help out, but it is more on our terms than theirs, and there have been times we have just said no when it is not a necessity, but rather some investment scheme. For example, they used to want me to buy 2 cows/year and then every Hari Raya they would have the meat from one and sell the meat from the other, which was supposed to cover the cost of both cows and then could be used to buy 2 more for the next year. Unfortunately, they would just keep the $ from the sold cow and expect me to pony up for 2 more. There were also deals on land pitched to us, but I put an end to our investment in all such schemes and they no longer bother us with such requests. You just need to talk to your GF and put your foot down.
            "My country is the world, and my religion is to do good." -Thomas Paine.

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            • #21
              Originally posted by hektix08 View Post

              What?? How in the world am I inderectly insulting islam? I am a Muslim and so is she. Yes, I am from the USA, and I love Indonesia, but just because I don't understand some things here how does that mean I'm insulting people, or the religion?? Is treating me like an ATM a part of Islam? No, I didn't think so. I don't understand the way people are perceiving me here. That's the reason I posted here, so people can help me to understand. I did not grow up here, you can't just expect me to automatically understand people's intentions in this country.
              Shame on you for assuming that I am insulting my own religion just because I am a foreigner.
              USA...that explains everything.

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              • #22
                I know I am off Topic, but I need to say this.

                Saifislam, your are cracking me up dude

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                • #23
                  hektix08, I think you've met the wrong girl. I have only met 3 girls in total who were like what you describe. For me, when people treat me like your girl treats you, there will be alot of red flags. It depends if you want to be treated like that. If not just say so. The relationship will probably end abrubtly.

                  Sometimes it's not the girl who is the golddigger, but her family. They only see a bule and dollar signs. Eager to help spend all your money on them.

                  My nephew has the value that you will keep treating the other untill you have treated the same amount of money as the other has treated you. Lets say you paid Rp 300.000, - in a restaurant for a meal. He in turn will treat you until he reaches the Rp 300.000, -. It can mean treating you 15x nasi goreng with a price of Rp 20.000.
                  My niece on the other hand would say as long you give her the feeling she also gets something, that would be enough for her to treat you again.

                  Ok, my experience with Indonesian women friends.

                  1. When we go just the 2 of us. I probably will pay. Not because the girl doesn't want to pay, but I just want to because it is easier for me.
                  2. When we are with other friends, in a group, we go Dutch. Split the bill. You can split it evenly. You can also pick up the bill and leave the next bill to be paid by someone else.
                  3. When we are with her family, I probably will be treated. I don't need to pay for anything.
                  4. When a girl wants to do something, with friends and/or family and I have to pay for it.... never happened to me. Little chance. If they have the nerve, they probably won't be my friends.

                  So Indonesia is big and has 220 million people and has a variety of cultures. You will find alot of bad people, but luckely there are also alot of good people. It seems like you met a bad one, or a good one but with a bad package. Go and find someone better. They really exist here in Indonesia.

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                  • #24
                    Originally posted by Saifislam View Post

                    USA...that explains everything.
                    Yea, USA, is that a problem? If so, too bad.
                    im a foreigner yet you expect me to understand everything Indonesian people do, tell me how that makes sense, please.
                    I guarantee if you went to the US you would have thousands of questions.
                    Being as biased as you are, I don't expect any kindness from you, but still, I kindly asked for help in understanding your people. You can either be a decent person and treat me with respect or shut up and leave me alone, because I'm not replying to your hateful messages again

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                    • #25
                      Originally posted by OpenSolutions View Post
                      hektix08, I think you've met the wrong girl. I have only met 3 girls in total who were like what you describe. For me, when people treat me like your girl treats you, there will be alot of red flags. It depends if you want to be treated like that. If not just say so. The relationship will probably end abrubtly.

                      Sometimes it's not the girl who is the golddigger, but her family. They only see a bule and dollar signs. Eager to help spend all your money on them.

                      My nephew has the value that you will keep treating the other untill you have treated the same amount of money as the other has treated you. Lets say you paid Rp 300.000, - in a restaurant for a meal. He in turn will treat you until he reaches the Rp 300.000, -. It can mean treating you 15x nasi goreng with a price of Rp 20.000.
                      My niece on the other hand would say as long you give her the feeling she also gets something, that would be enough for her to treat you again.

                      Ok, my experience with Indonesian women friends.

                      1. When we go just the 2 of us. I probably will pay. Not because the girl doesn't want to pay, but I just want to because it is easier for me.
                      2. When we are with other friends, in a group, we go Dutch. Split the bill. You can split it evenly. You can also pick up the bill and leave the next bill to be paid by someone else.
                      3. When we are with her family, I probably will be treated. I don't need to pay for anything.
                      4. When a girl wants to do something, with friends and/or family and I have to pay for it.... never happened to me. Little chance. If they have the nerve, they probably won't be my friends.

                      So Indonesia is big and has 220 million people and has a variety of cultures. You will find alot of bad people, but luckely there are also alot of good people. It seems like you met a bad one, or a good one but with a bad package. Go and find someone better. They really exist here in Indonesia.
                      Thanks for your insightful response. Her and I have discussed it since I posted this and she seems to understand that I'm not made of money to just cover everybody all the time. I explained to her that I don't feel comfortable paying for everything every time we meet with her friends or when a lot of her family comes in to visit and she said I don't need to and that it's understandable, and she has still stuck around lol. I guess I'll see later though because if she comes to stay with me in the city I'm studying in she won't have any friends for hours away and her family likely wouldn't be visiting much if at all

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                      • #26
                        Originally posted by hektix08 View Post

                        I explained to her that I don't feel comfortable paying for everything every time we meet with her friends or when a lot of her family comes in to visit and she said I don't need to and that it's understandable, and she has still stuck around lol.
                        I am very happy for you and your girlfriend. I hope you 2 can fix future problems the same way, by understanding each other.

                        I also want to thank you by confirming that there are still people in this world who wants and try to understand other people and eventually making the world a better place to live in. Getting what they want by doing good. Thank you

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                        • #27
                          Originally posted by OpenSolutions View Post
                          I know I am off Topic, but I need to say this.

                          Saifislam, your are cracking me up dude
                          SMART PAKEM is my favorite app:-)

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                          • #28
                            Originally posted by hektix08 View Post
                            Hello all, this is my first time posting on this forum, and might I say I think this place seems to be of very resourceful community, I'm glad I came across it.
                            I was hoping that some people with more experience in Indonesia than I could give me a bit of advice with my girlfriend of 1 year.
                            I have come to Indonesia about four times since the beginning of last year, and I love it here, and though I have learned a lot, I'm still confused about what is expected of me as a serious boyfriend.
                            When we first started dating, things were very casual and I was footing the bill as I would do back in the US with a new girlfriend, and everything seemed pretty normal to me.
                            However though, as our relationship has progressed it seems like I am more or less considered a bank. The funny thing is, it isn't even her treating me that way, she more or less expects it. For example, as our relationship has progressed, her friends and family will visit us quite a bit, and every single time I foot the bill 100%. Every meal, every taxi, going out somewhere, etc. When her friends visit, it has gotten to the point where they will stay for close to a week and anything they need comes out of my wallet, including the taxi when they leave. When family visits, it's the same with that many more people.
                            Is this normal here?
                            I don't mind paying for meals, small groceries, or outings for visitors sometimes, and I love the girl and all, but it's starting to bother me because I never do this in the US. Instead of paying 100k for a simple meal for us I'm spending 2-3x that on a regular basis.
                            Thanks in advance, any and all replies, your input is greatly appreciated.
                            ​​​​​​​

                            as an indonesian girl, I suggest you to think twice when you would like to treat her family. If it's happen rarely I think its normal, but when it comes often I think there is some purpose behind it.

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                            • #29
                              Hi. I'm an Indo-descent living in Europe, my parents are Indonesians and I'm married to a European. Even though my nationality is European, my culture is still rather Indonesian I'd say due to my parents' upbringing.

                              I'm also having similar problem to you with my immediate family even to the point that my hubby became quite annoyed about this financial issue cos it seems that we're now seen as the cash-cow.

                              Just to give you a bit of background, it is considered normal that family member who is doing well to support other family members who are not doing so well financially and it's considered normal to do this infinitely i.e. forever, and this is when my hubby and even I by now start to get tired of being taken advantage of. Thankfully so far, no friend nor indirect family members try this with me.

                              I must admit I think I wouldn't take it kindly if friends of my family tried to do this i.e. to make me foot their e.g. holiday bill so you're a good man and maybe too good if I may say so (sorry for being blunt).

                              So what we do is we draw the line. Now I set a limit of how much I transfer to help out this family member and I continuously remind her that this amount is all what I can give her on say monthly basis and she would have to make it work.

                              I suppose you also have to do the same and even stricter perhaps and just draw the boundaries on which occasion and on which people you're willing to be generous with.

                              I have a male friend of the same nationality as my hubby who had an Indo gf. As soon as he saw that the gf tried to "milk" him for the n time, he just decided to break up with her and I must admit you might have to take the same decision cos it's not a real partnership if one felt being taken advantage of... Good luck!

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