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  • Managing money with Indonesian girlfriend

    Hello all, this is my first time posting on this forum, and might I say I think this place seems to be of very resourceful community, I'm glad I came across it.
    I was hoping that some people with more experience in Indonesia than I could give me a bit of advice with my girlfriend of 1 year.
    I have come to Indonesia about four times since the beginning of last year, and I love it here, and though I have learned a lot, I'm still confused about what is expected of me as a serious boyfriend.
    When we first started dating, things were very casual and I was footing the bill as I would do back in the US with a new girlfriend, and everything seemed pretty normal to me.
    However though, as our relationship has progressed it seems like I am more or less considered a bank. The funny thing is, it isn't even her treating me that way, she more or less expects it. For example, as our relationship has progressed, her friends and family will visit us quite a bit, and every single time I foot the bill 100%. Every meal, every taxi, going out somewhere, etc. When her friends visit, it has gotten to the point where they will stay for close to a week and anything they need comes out of my wallet, including the taxi when they leave. When family visits, it's the same with that many more people.
    Is this normal here?
    I don't mind paying for meals, small groceries, or outings for visitors sometimes, and I love the girl and all, but it's starting to bother me because I never do this in the US. Instead of paying 100k for a simple meal for us I'm spending 2-3x that on a regular basis.
    Thanks in advance, any and all replies, your input is greatly appreciated.
    ​​​​​​​

  • #2
    I think you have to be clear at the start of the relationship ,financial guidelines have to be set ie who is responsible for what .

    Unfortunately now in your situation you are going to have to have a hard discussion about the rules going forward ,if she does not agree well the relationship has no future imho .

    There are ladies and there freinds and family here, whom are happy to bleed the bule boyfreind dry ,so be careful ,the same story applies in most developing countries .

    If you find the right woman here ,you will have no problem.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by hektix08 View Post
      Hello all, this is my first time posting on this forum, and might I say I think this place seems to be of very resourceful community, I'm glad I came across it.
      I was hoping that some people with more experience in Indonesia than I could give me a bit of advice with my girlfriend of 1 year.
      I have come to Indonesia about four times since the beginning of last year, and I love it here, and though I have learned a lot, I'm still confused about what is expected of me as a serious boyfriend.
      When we first started dating, things were very casual and I

      ​​​​They have no respect for you posssibly because you are "dating"...."girlfriend".......boyfriend"...th is is not normal. ...to them you are dating, a foreigner with no commitment to their daughter and not serious in their eyes, That is not really how it works here for the vast majority of Indonesians. I have a bit of experience in this department. . I have 2 wives here, both indonesian. both required meeting the family, getting blessing of the imam, doing things the halal way. There is no such thing as "dating". I am respected. The families of both wives respect our privacy and financial situation, and I help them if there is a need, and they never ask or expect money from me.

      I'm not trying to insult you in any way, or demean your feelings for her, but this is not the west.
      Last edited by Saifislam; 15-03-19, 10:44.

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      • #4
        How do you know the lady is a muslim ??

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        • #5
          I also have an indonesian wife , we have no problems ,she is a smart ,kind ,hard working lady ,we work as a team .

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          • #6
            Originally posted by tel522 View Post
            How do you know the lady is a muslim ??

            I am happy for you and your marriage Alhamdulillah..
            I don't for sure, but given the fact that close to 90% are, and I have seen far too many buleh come here thinking indonesia is like Europe and free sex and easily impressed women.. some try to fake their way into marrying an Indonesian woman, and who are not sincere about Islam, or other religion for that matter and feel they get burned in the end. Divorce rates are extremely high in that case. Now I do agree with some of the advice on this site, but much of it is very myopic and from a purely Western perspective. I have seen posts here of people mocking the religion, the culture, the country..in the airport I see americans and euros dressing like slobs or in short shorts and skimpy clothing..very disrespectful.. so I can see with some the problem is not originating from the Indonesian culture. Some are stepping into a situation they do not fully appreciate, and that is the root of most of the problems .

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            • #7
              The important thing in this world ,is the heart of the people and their charecter , personally I dont care what religion people are ,for me it is not important .

              The origonal question was about the tendency in developing countries for some local women to "screw" their foriegn boyfriends / husbands .
              I have seen this phenomina, going back 35 years in somalia, and many countries all the way to here.

              It is a reality for some women , so if the relationship is to be successful , finacial guidelines must be agreed at the start ,otherwise the relationship will be doomed to failure .

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              • #8
                Politely stop paying and see what happens.

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                • #9
                  Originally posted by hektix08 View Post
                  ... Is this normal here? ...

                  Probably not .


                  Although I am 20 years in Indonesia , I don't know many Indonesians . But I never saw or heard that Indonesians in general are like that .

                  What I have heard : in this Forum , from my 10 years marriage with my ex-Indonesian wife , and by watching are :

                  a) Many Indonesians have the idea that most of foreigners in Indonesia are rich . In this Forum there were members joking that they were considered bank ATM .

                  I guess that this because , in average foreigners travelling/living in Indonesia are indeed richer than average Indonesians . Just look at you yourself . Coming from USA 4 times in around a year , just the airplane tickets cost around US$ 5'000 (total) , a money that a big percentage of Indonesians never had in hand .


                  b) Indonesians in general are a lot more socially connected with their parents/relatives/friends than people in countries like USA .

                  c) According https://nasional.republika.co.id/ber...jadi-85-persen , in 2016 , 85% of Indonesians were Muslims . So in relation to the Muslim's culture it is not acceptable to live together without being married , even dating in privacy is not allowed . Although I guess not all 85% of the Indonesians are rigorous about this , in my area in the middle of a big city , the local administration chiefs require a marriage certificate or a religious marriage proof in order for a couple to live here .

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                  • #10
                    Marcus, that was a good post. You explained it more clearly.

                    In Aceh both man and woman will be whipped in public, or large fine if caught. They choose. It happens to foreigners also. One cannot even rent a hotel room if they are not married, in many places in Indonesia.

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                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Saifislam View Post
                      Marcus, that was a good post. You explained it more clearly.

                      In Aceh both man and woman will be whipped in public, or large fine if caught. They choose. It happens to foreigners also. One cannot even rent a hotel room if they are not married, in many places in Indonesia.
                      this post is now going off topic nb Managing money with Indonesian girlfriend

                      this is the subject of the thread !

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by tel522 View Post

                        this post is now going off topic nb Managing money with Indonesian girlfriend


                        this is the subject of the thread !
                        It is right on topic.

                        Keywords= GIRL FRIEND, DATING, money, kafir, indonesia public law, shariah law

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                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Saifislam View Post

                          It is right on topic.

                          Keywords= GIRL FRIEND, DATING, money, kafir, indonesia public law, shariah law
                          Off topic ,admin please take note

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                          • #14
                            Originally posted by tel522 View Post

                            Off topic ,admin please take note
                            Just because you don't like reality does not make it off topic and irrelevant. It's totally relevant, because there are both social standards and applicable laws here in Indonesia. There are many points of discussion in the original question. If you wish to veil your dislike or criticism of the reality by issuing a broad and general "off topic " complaint", I suggest you tell everyone just where the post is off topic.
                            please enlighten me.

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                            • #15
                              I think we know your views , from previous posts . the object of the post is quite clear Managing money with Indonesian girlfriend

                              Money being the operative word , nothing to do with ones personal beliefs .

                              so any other diversions from the operative word are off topic , please feel free to start another thread about your own lifestyle .

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