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An IELTS essay needs proofreading

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  • An IELTS essay needs proofreading

    https://i.imgur.com/trrrAXS.jpg

    According to the picture that the above link takes us to,

    The map shows us two stages of development of a city hospital with its surroundings from above in the year 2007 and 2010 respectively. As we can see, the road access in 2007 looks simpler than the one in 2010 as it only comprises three roads, two of which are named Hospital Road and City Road respectively with the former spanning vertically and directly connecting the road that encircles the hospital which is called Ring Road with the rest of the world wherein the latter is seen laid horizontally and crossed by the former forming an intersection. There is also a car park for both staff and public by the right side of hospital road.

    Moving on to 2010, the arrangement now looks complex as compared to the one in 2007. There are now two roundabouts to which a Bus Station is connected. One of the roundabouts overlapped the intersection while the other is built on the 3-way junction right in front of the hospital. Public now has its own separate car park located on the right side of the hospital across the ring road while the Staff Car Park remains the same but it’s now for staff only. Furthermore, the objects on both sides of the Hospital Road that appeared to be some sort of road decorations in the 2007 sketch seem to have been removed.

    ================

    Please help correct the above text if you find any errors and which IELTS band score do you think fits this comment?

    Thanks in advance!

  • #2
    Katzbalger , first let me tell you that I don't know English very well and I know nothing about IELTS .

    What I can say is that although your English skill may be good enough , I would not use the words : "stages of development", "spanning", and "overlapped" .

    I also would describe the differences in a completely different way . I would say that the main differences are :
    1) Inclusion of a Bus Station
    2) Due to 1) above :
    - another car parking place was created because the Bus Station took a good part of the old car parking place
    - roundabouts were also created to better handle the additional bus traffic

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by marcus View Post
      Katzbalger , first let me tell you that I don't know English very well and I know nothing about IELTS .

      What I can say is that although your English skill may be good enough , I would not use the words : "stages of development", "spanning", and "overlapped" .

      I also would describe the differences in a completely different way . I would say that the main differences are :
      1) Inclusion of a Bus Station
      2) Due to 1) above :
      - another car parking place was created because the Bus Station took a good part of the old car parking place
      - roundabouts were also created to better handle the additional bus traffic
      Cmon, your english seems superior there. Thanks a lot for the correction, Sir. I forgot about the bus stops and called them road decorations instead, how dumb lol

      What's your native language? Thanks again and have a great weekend!

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by Katzbalger View Post
        (a) ... I forgot about the bus stops and called them road decorations instead, ...

        (b) What's your native language? ...

        (a) I also didn't notice that "bus stop" remark . In consequence of this lack of attention , my comment about "additional bus traffic" became wrong too .

        (b) Portuguese .

        Comment

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