When religion ruins a marriage

[Hawkwind]

Hi all

This is not a question as such, but I would be interested to read any replies.

So I married my wife from Bandung in 2007, first with a religious wedding then with an officially recognised wedding later that year.

She already had a 4 year old daughter and had been divorced for 2 years, we had another child together a year later.

So for the last 12 years we have had a pretty great relationship, religion has never been an issue, I married her and had to convert to Islam as most expats have to, but never actually follow the religion, just the formallities so we can be with our wives.

I have never been religious and in my time with my wife, she thankfully also did not practice her religion, no praying, eating pork and drinking with me etc.

So fast forward 12 years and my Wife`s father passes away, of course she turns to God for helping her deal with the situation, which is ok, then she joins an Islamic religious group who hold weekly prayer meetings, then she ask if she can take her Mum to Umrah, then the frequency of the meetings is 2 and 3 times a week.

She has completely changed from the fun, funky, sexy girl I met into a totally different person.

Then this week she announces that I don`t take her religion serious enough, I don`t pray, I don`t love God, so she cant be with me anymore!

Its like what are you serious, I do believe in God, but just because I don`t pray or follow an organised religion, that suddenly makes me a sinner and she cant be with me because of that!

Also of course the kids are involved now two girls 17 and 10 who of course have been largely raised in a western household, who are not religious either, and cannot believe Mum`s change or thoughts.

That`s all really, its just the reality of the fact that if I don`t start praying and following Islam like a true believer, then my wife wants nothing to do with me, she can`t lie with me and we can`t live together.

I already pointed out that her belief will destroy our marriage and our family, I`m hoping she sees sense and wakes up!

Cheers A
 

[Liveaboard]

Hi Hawkind,
This is just a little bit of my knowledge of Islam, as I am a moslem..
There is a saying that in Islam, "Suami adalah imam" it means that a husband is a priest" in direct translation but I would not use that translation, but the basic understanding about that is that being a husband in moslem marriage is that you are the bridge as well as the guidance for your wife to heaven, by saying that you have to be the role model in practicing Islam in marriage life because whatever you do in your marriage life will reflect your wife in the eye of Allah.?*
I will recommend you to speak to a cleric or someone that you think to have a deep knowledge of Islam, to give you a better understanding of being a husband in moslem marriage, not just the religion.

[marcus]

Hawkind , in more than 10 years there was no case like yours in this Forum , so from that I think it is a rare case . In my view , it seems she was influenced by one or more people's advices in a time when she was very vulnerable (I guess it would also happen if she was a Christian/... and had contact with similar Christian/other religion's people) .

If I was you , I think I would involve the 2 daughters + other relatives to talk to your wife in order to have a reasonable compromise . From my side I would give up drinking alcohol and eating pork (not allowed by Islamic rules) .
Note : Ease for me to say as I don't drink anyway . But I still suggest you that , for the benefit of your own health .

I would also suggest you to learn a little about her religion in order to avoid making her mad . For example : in the fasting time I would not eat or drink water when she is around ; adjust you sleeping time for her first prayer of the day very early in the morning ; ...


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[tel522]

I have great sympathy for your situation ,I have witnessed a radicalistion here ,which is disturbing , unfortunately this has now affected your relationship . Personally I would never give up my personal beliefs ,even though we have to go through a beurocratic paperchase for stability here .

I find some people I know here have changed ,with an absolute blinkered view of the world , which I have seen in some people in iran and saudi , the other 40 or so moslem countries i have worked in were fine .
I can offer you no good solution ,I hope you find solace in the future .

[marcus]

... I have witnessed a radicalistion here ,which is disturbing , unfortunately this has now affected your relationship ...

Hawkind , please don't think like Tel522 . I am also not religious , but from what you told us , your wife didn't show any behavior that I consider radical . My Muslim ex-wife used to pray and fast since the beginning of our marriage . She didn't go to prayers meeting or ask to go to Umrah , but these behaviors are relatively normal for Muslims . In my view , going to prayers meeting is very common for people who are in need of psychological support , like I have seem in my Christian majority country where old age/sick/depressed people start to go to church (when they didn't do before) .

I would face a situation like yours in a positive way , as we are all different and need to respect each other ways of thinking/behaving .

As I see , in your case you two still have a chance to adapt . In my case , for example , I had no option but divorce .

[tel522]

my wife also muslim , has been going on occasion to social meetings around the area , some of the speakers ,normally imams are good ,some are clearly uneducated radicals ,the more easily led members ,take the line offered without filtering , that is a worrying creeping reality here Imho.

[marcus]

... ,the more easily led members ,take the line offered without filtering , that is a worrying creeping reality here Imho.

I agree , if it happens to be badly influenced . I guess husband & wife need to communicate with each other constantly , so any bad influence may be early detected and maybe corrected .

By the way , bad influence was probably the major factor in my failed marriage (but not related to religion) .

[tel522]

Ya marraige can be at times difficult , normal life presents many chalenges , for sure we dont need aditional problems "to the mix" , caused by pervayors of uninformed rhetoric .

[Alan Burgess]

Hi all,

And thanks for the replies, so 6 months on and it cooled down a bit, she still prays a lot and insists me and the kids now pray, they of course do not want to, but do so as they want to keep mum happy and the family together, I also was doing one pray a day, recently 2 times, then it blew up again today, the last part of her message to me on the way to work was

My heart belongs to Allah, not you!.

Says it all really, I`ve been a good Dad, a good husband, I always provide everything she and the kids ever needed, but clearly its not enough.

I await with baited breath what happens next when I get home from work!

[scouser59]

Very sad story , she clearly has been brainwashed , you clearly have done more than i would do to make peace in the marraige , good luck.

[hawk1024]

This may not be the most popular opinion but I feel it should be noted. For whatever reason you decided to convert to Islam you did so. Did you know what you were agreeing to do at that point? Peoples religious commitment is subject to change and if you were truly committed to becoming a good Muslim, you could see at least some validity to her concerns. Granted it took 12 years for her to get to this point and that makes the change a little more difficult but no matter what religion is involved, as I stated earlier, peoples commitment is subject to change. If you truly did not intent to be a practicing Muslim, why did you make the change? Just to marry a woman is not a valid answer in the case of religion. My advice to anyone would be to know what you are getting into and understand that you may actually have to live up to the commitments that you make. Don't change religions just to make it easy for you to marry someone. No matter how seriously you perceive it, for a lot of people religion is not a light subject. Best of luck to you.

[scouser59]

Here the documents for daily life and marraige are a pain ,many foriegners look for the easy way to marry after all its just paperwork and does not mean anything Imho .

[hawk1024]

Here the documents for daily life and marraige are a pain ,many foriegners look for the easy way to marry after all its just paperwork and does not mean anything Imho .

What if some one bought a car on credit and then later choose not to pay? It's just paper work and does not mean anything would not be a defense in court. Why would someone think that religion is less than buying a car? If you don't believe in God, then you shouldn't choose him as an ally to help in earthly matters. Just be honest.

[scouser59]

If you choose to not accept the reality here with admin and the difficulties of the process, that is your choice , most people wanna get through with minimum headaches and cost to achieve the target . Admin here is a total pain , just like a number of developing countries iv lived and worked in starting with somalia 35 years ago ,same story different flag .Its a PIA imho .

[hawk1024]

If you choose to not accept the reality here with admin and the difficulties of the process, that is your choice , most people wanna get through with minimum headaches and cost to achieve the target . Admin here is a total pain , just like a number of developing countries iv lived and worked in starting with somalia 35 years ago ,same story different flag .Its a PIA imho .

I am a foreigner and I live in Indonesia with my Indonesian wife. Tell me more about about the reality I choose not to accept. For the record I have also lived in Thailand, Cambodia and Vietnam. I have experience with developing countries and I never had to lie to or mislead anyone. I don't want to hijack the original thread so you are welcome to start a new thread and I will be happy to discuss this with you more.