Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Asking Christian family's permission to marry daughter

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Asking Christian family's permission to marry daughter

    Hi there,

    My gf is Indonesian Chinese and from Christian family. She's an expat in Paris, we live in the same city as I am native French from Christian family too.

    We'll be visiting her family in Java next March, I've already met her family when they came to Europe last year. I'd like to ask her parents their permission to marry her and then propose her.

    Anyone of you went through this or knows about the tradition with Christian families when it comes to ask the daughter's hand ? I'd like to ask her parents without her around so that it would be a real surprise to her when she receives the little blue box. But I don't know much about the indonesian christian tradition for this... Should I make my speech to the family directly like we (used to) do in western culture ? Invite them in a restaurant ? Asking when I am staying at their place ? Bringing gifts ?

    One last point to mention : her parents were not really happy at the beginning to see her daughter with a bule and on top of that living abroad for while.. That may add a little complexity to my situation...

    Any helpful inputs or shared experience would be very much welcome !

    Terima Kasih !
    JayB

  • #2
    Hi happy to hear, wish u all the best. Come to her house, talk with her parents. Or if you know her siblings or aunt etc you can talk to them first for a moral support . They may ask you to throw a wedding in indo or they can arrange an engagement party.
    Depends on how chinese they are, chinese here are usually do thiese things after informal marriage talks :
    1. Groom to be`s family will be invited to a lunch party by the bride to be`s family, you wont be allowed to attend this.
    2. In that party, groom to be`s mother will give her a necklace which is like the symbol of engagement ring.
    3. Other traditions
    4. Other traditions
    5. Some other traditions
    6. Ditto
    7. Tea ceremony at the wedding
    Bla bla.

    My suggestion : just propose to her and get married abroad lol
    Lost in Jakarta's trafic jam

    Comment


    • #3
      Is she asking your parents for permission to marry you? I surely hope so.

      Comment


      • #4
        I think her family is conventional pus, they dont really like her with him living abroad. Getting married or even engaged without their blessing will make hell broke lose. Some chinese family can be rly nuts, speaking from experience
        Lost in Jakarta's trafic jam

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by LittleMonster View Post
          I think her family is conventional pus, they dont really like her with him living abroad. Getting married or even engaged without their blessing will make hell broke lose. Some chinese family can be rly nuts, speaking from experience
          I know ... and it is sweet if the two of them are willing to humor their parents' generation in order to make things work.

          Still, it is really irritating when it is assumed that the female needs parental permission to marry but the male does not. Call it tradition if you like, but it is pretty upsetting if you think about it objectively. She's property and isn't allowed to make decisions for herself, but he's a free agent who can decide his own future. It beats me why a world that rejects a "blacks have to sit in the back of the bus" mentality thinks it is okay for daughters (but not sons) to be seen as the property of their parents.

          Comment


          • #6
            Thanks to you littlemonster for your wishes and reply.

            I don't know what's the "chinese level" of the family but surely traditional and I don't mind that but rather respect it. Now, I don't want to propose to her without their blessing - question of principle for me.

            @puspawarna : no, she won't ask permission to my family, the man should be the one asking, isn't it ?

            So I think I'll go for the direct method: come to the house, make my speech in bahasa (still have to work on it! ) and wait for the positive answer... then drink the tea if any

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Puspawarna View Post
              Still, it is really irritating when it is assumed that the female needs parental permission to marry but the male does not. Call it tradition if you like
              Puspawarna, I don't feel asking the parents' permission is equivalent to asking an owner of something to transfer his ownership to someone else... but indeed, just tradition as you were saying. Nothing to do with man's allegedly superiority over the woman, or nothing like that, just tradition, and respect to the family. Now, people may think differently, there is no problem with that !

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by namaku_jayb View Post
                ... the man should be the one asking, isn't it ? ...
                Well, I predict you will get along fine with the prospective bride's parents, at least you have a similar view of women.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by waarmstrong View Post
                  Well, I predict you will get along fine with the prospective bride's parents, at least you have a similar view of women.
                  I think all the OP wants to do is ensure that he is accepted by the girl's family and ensure that he doesn't create a rift between the family and the girl. If that says anything about his view on women it's that he respects her enough to put his personal ideas aside in order to make his girlfriend happy.It's not so much about gender roles as it is about culture.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Unfortunately, viewing women as property is still an element of many cultures. Assigning women a particular role, subservient usually and as implied here, fits with such culturally sanctioned inequity. It stops when people choose not to put up with it.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Whoa whoa...relax people. It is very common thing to ask parents' permission to marry their daughter, and it is mostly a token gesture. It's not like he is buying the daughter. No need to jump down OPs throat and crucify him for asking a simple question. Plus you have no idea what the woman wants, which I feel should be the most important factor here. Maybe she is traditional and would rather have him ask the parents? Also my understanding for a Chinese traditional proposal, it is the parents of the male asking the parents of the female, hence both parties need their parents approval. And comparing this to having blacks sit in the back of the bus....really?

                      Now for actual advice (coming from someone who married a Christian Indonesian of Chinese descent):

                      I asked her first. Traditional western proposal, with ring and going down on one knee etc. This was done while we were both abroad as well. Then the next time we were in Indonesia we did the traditional thing. Don't remember the details, but it involved wearing red and bringing stuff...maybe google this part...

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Well, if I "jumped down anyone's throat" I apologize for that, and I will leave this thread after this post. However, those who say "Awwww, but it's tradition, all we want is to make nice with the family, how can you oppose wanting to start things off in the bosom of the relatives?" fail to address one central point: it is objectionable because it is only important that the female's parents be mollified/found to approve.

                        If couples who were planning to marry showed an equal interest in making sure the groom's family were on board, I wouldn't object at all.

                        In fact, as the mother of a son, I don't think I will let my son marry until his fiancee gets my permission. If she doesn't seem like someone who will follow my culture and respect my traditions, I'll refuse. No reason it should be my son's decision; I'm his mother, after all, and I've known him longer than his bride-to-be ever can. There - problem solved, blow for equality struck!
                        Last edited by Puspawarna; 17-02-15, 05:34.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by dafluff View Post
                          Whoa whoa...relax people. It is very common thing to ask parents' permission to marry their daughter, and it is mostly a token gesture. It's not like he is buying the daughter. No need to jump down OPs throat and crucify him for asking a simple question. Plus you have no idea what the woman wants, which I feel should be the most important factor here. Maybe she is traditional and would rather have him ask the parents? Also my understanding for a Chinese traditional proposal, it is the parents of the male asking the parents of the female, hence both parties need their parents approval. And comparing this to having blacks sit in the back of the bus....really?

                          Now for actual advice (coming from someone who married a Christian Indonesian of Chinese descent):

                          I asked her first. Traditional western proposal, with ring and going down on one knee etc. This was done while we were both abroad as well. Then the next time we were in Indonesia we did the traditional thing. Don't remember the details, but it involved wearing red and bringing stuff...maybe google this part...
                          Well, yes, of course, a token gesture. But the original post reads like Namaku wants to arrange with mom and dad for a passing of the baton. What the baton feels about the handoff is act two.

                          Here's a better way that does not relegate the woman to lessor status and involves the parents as more than tokens, but not as rulers over their daughter's destiny. Namaku and his girl friend decided they wish to marry, discussing as part of the process how the blessings of the two sets of parents will be sought and what impact the withholding of said blessing will have on their decision. As a couple, they inform the parents of their decision and seek the four parents support.

                          The way its going down in Namaku's scenario, parental permission is a fait accompli.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Puspawarna View Post
                            it is objectionable because it is only important that the female's parents be mollified/found to approve.

                            If couples who were planning to marry showed an equal interest in making sure the groom's family were on board, I wouldn't object at all.
                            If the groom's parents have to ask permission, doesn't that imply that they are already on board with it. Would they be asking it at all if they didn't agree? Both parents are sitting down together and one formally asks the other. It seems futile that the other party would then return the question. Even though as a progressive westerner it would never occur to me to formally ask parents, I actually think this is a nice tradition.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              hello I want to congratulate you on your thought of marriage though I am uncertain what you are asking. is her family Christians as well?? or is there religion different. If they are Christians and I know cause my family is Christians. The tradition to asking for daughter in marriage is the man talking to her father alone with or without the mother it doesn't matter. what matters is that you ask the father for his daughters hand in marriage. and make sure you tell him how well you will treat her and take care of her. the fathers most important thing is how they will live how well he will financially support her. etc... you don't need to buy gifts for the parents but if you met with both parents then take the mother some flowers just a kind thought. and the place you choose whether its at a restaurant or there home just make it peaceful . your gonna be stressed and worried as is. Good luck and congrats

                              QUOTE=namaku_jayb;442304]Hi there,

                              My gf is Indonesian Chinese and from Christian family. She's an expat in Paris, we live in the same city as I am native French from Christian family too.

                              We'll be visiting her family in Java next March, I've already met her family when they came to Europe last year. I'd like to ask her parents their permission to marry her and then propose her.

                              Anyone of you went through this or knows about the tradition with Christian families when it comes to ask the daughter's hand ? I'd like to ask her parents without her around so that it would be a real surprise to her when she receives the little blue box. But I don't know much about the indonesian christian tradition for this... Should I make my speech to the family directly like we (used to) do in western culture ? Invite them in a restaurant ? Asking when I am staying at their place ? Bringing gifts ?

                              One last point to mention : her parents were not really happy at the beginning to see her daughter with a bule and on top of that living abroad for while.. That may add a little complexity to my situation...

                              Any helpful inputs or shared experience would be very much welcome !

                              Terima Kasih !
                              JayB[/QUOTE]

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X