Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Custody battle between unmarried expat/Indonesian parents

Collapse
X
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Custody battle between unmarried expat/Indonesian parents

    When I met my Indonesian fiancé she had a 10 month old baby from a previous physically abusive relationship to an expat with whom she was never married. He wants to be involved in the child's upbringing and has done this using threats, intimidation and general menace. I am pleased to say that she is now pregnant with my baby and we will be married before the birth( im an expat). Now my fiancé feels strong enough that she wants to stop him from having contact with the child, not only for the child's sake but it causes her great stress to have continued dealings with her former abuser. I am willing to adopt and take full responsibility if possible. My question is, does anyone know if this guy has any kind of legal argument should he be told to stay away from the child? I can see a very sad tale unfolding for this innocent baby who already is torn between two parents who despise each other. Thanks

  • #2
    Originally posted by Begbie View Post
    When I met my Indonesian fiancé she had a 10 month old baby from a previous physically abusive relationship to an expat with whom she was never married. He wants to be involved in the child's upbringing and has done this using threats, intimidation and general menace. I am pleased to say that she is now pregnant with my baby and we will be married before the birth( im an expat). Now my fiancé feels strong enough that she wants to stop him from having contact with the child, not only for the child's sake but it causes her great stress to have continued dealings with her former abuser. I am willing to adopt and take full responsibility if possible. My question is, does anyone know if this guy has any kind of legal argument should he be told to stay away from the child? I can see a very sad tale unfolding for this innocent baby who already is torn between two parents who despise each other. Thanks
    As far as I am aware the guy you speak of has no legal claim on the child in the circumstances you present.

    As for the child involved the situation is sad.

    Comment


    • #3
      From what I understand he has no legal rites at all. There have been many cases where a child is born before marriage and the father cannot be on the birth certificate.

      SHe should just tell the guy to leave her alone. Even go as far as to tell him its not his anyway, she was playing away. Put doubts in his mind.

      I admire you for wanting to adopt, this in itself is not easy. Here you can just bring up the child as your own anyway. The only problem will come if you want to live back home with your family.

      The other option, if the father is serious, tell him to set up a bank account for the child's school and college. If he is prepared to offer the correct financial support, then tell him after 1 year, calming period, he can see the child during supervised visits. It does not mean your future wife has to see him, you can go along with the child.

      In the big picture, he is the biological father and should still have some contact with the child, but only if he also takes responsibility, financially.
      [COLOR=#ff0000]Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds[/COLOR]. Albert Einstein

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by jim69 View Post
        Even go as far as to tell him its not his anyway, she was playing away. Put doubts in his mind.
        I think this is very bad advice. Giving someone who is violent an excuse to get angry is no solution.

        I think cutting the real dad off is cold blooded, but perhaps necessary if he's unstable. Otherwise, she made the mistake of getting pregnant by him, so as long as he's supporting the child, he has the right to be a part of the kids life. Violence and threatening behavior is obviously not permissible.

        In the worst case, you need to cut off all contact, and make sure he can't contact you or the kid. Move, change your phone number, jobs, etc.
        Sasa Bule is having a bayi!

        Comment


        • #5
          My own feeling on this case is very much as stated by Jaime. The benefit for a child is financial and emotional support which is being provided by the new partner and does NOT need to be provided by the blood Father. The child, when he reaches a mature age, can take a decision to engage (or not) in contact with his blood Father and at that time the blood Father can also make similar decisions. I consider it inappropriate (and certainly not harsh from the perspective of either child or blood Father) that the blood Father should have any contact with the child during this time and even send birthday or xmas cards or gifts. Otherwise I see this as a direct conflict with the actions and steps to be taken by the 'adopting Father', whether he becomes the adopted Father in Indonesian law or not.

          It is quite clear from the stated facts that the blood Father is not confirmed as such on the Birth Certificate, that he was never married to the Mother of the child and he has no legal claim to custody or access in the circumstances, whether he is resident in Indonesia or not. Much better if I was the blood Father in this case to stay out of the picture and move on.

          Comment


          • #6
            Thank you for the advice guys. We have a meeting with a lawyer and hopefully some legally binding paperwork similar to a restraining order can be made. It seems that what this boils down do in the eyes of the law is a foreigner threatening to kidnap an Indonesian baby from the Indonesian mother in Indonesia. He has no rights. If he wanted to be the father he had a chance to love and marry the mother but his choice was to physically torture her. If this was a case where their relationship hasn't worked out for other reasons such as infidelity or

            Comment


            • #7
              ...personality clash, this would be a totally different story. However this guy has created a situation where we want him as far away from our happy loving family as possible.

              Comment


              • #8
                I am usually a bit skeptical when an advise-seeking thread presents a story construed such that there is only one likely stream for the "advise." It gets me wondering if there is not another different story from the other side (in this case the biological father) where the truth of the matter is somewhere in between.

                Comment


                • #9
                  1. The guy (alledged abusive expat) has no civil rights with the kid since he has never been married with your future spouse.
                  2. It wouldn't take long, if the situation you describe is correct, to have him understood that annoying her is not a good idea if he intends to remain in Indonesia and free. One word (or three to be more prceise): "Kepolisian Republik Indonesia". She must report any threat and abuse. We had in this very forum a case where an alledgedly abusive expat spouse got prosecuted, sentenced to 12 (or 18 can't remember) months in jail, got deported and is still blacklisted. I don't know if he was guilty or not of the charges brought against him, but I know that it has been pretty easy for the wife to get him in and a hell for him to get out.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Jaime C View Post
                    I think this is very bad advice. Giving someone who is violent an excuse to get angry is no solution.

                    I think cutting the real dad off is cold blooded,

                    In the worst case, you need to cut off all contact, and make sure he can't contact you or the kid. Move, change your phone number, jobs, etc.
                    Hence the second option that was in my post but conveniently omitted from your quote.

                    Your advice seems very confusing and contradictory.
                    [COLOR=#ff0000]Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds[/COLOR]. Albert Einstein

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by jim69 View Post
                      Hence the second option that was in my post but conveniently omitted from your quote.

                      Your advice seems very confusing and contradictory.
                      It is customary internet etiquette to quote only the portion of a quote you are responding to. If you are not comfortable with the less than stellar advice you gave, then perhaps you can edit your original post.

                      I'll dumb it down for ya, though.

                      1. I don't feel it's fair to exclude the father from the child's life, except in extreme circumstances.

                      2. Since we are only being made aware of one side of the situation, we have to weigh the options.

                      3. If the father IS a violent nut job, then all contact needs to be cut off. This involves making sure he can't find the mother or child. Changing jobs, houses and the like can be difficult and costly.

                      4. If the father is just pissed off at the mother, but loves and will support the child, then there are ways for him to still be a part of the kids life.

                      Some women use a child as a pawn, to punish the father for moving on from them, not marrying, etc. Just imagine, dear Jim, how you would feel if your baby was taken away from you. I rather imagine you'd be devastated. To many, the converting process to be allowed to marry is complete and utter BS. Imposing a lifelong ban on contact with your child, because of a lack of a marriage certificate is a draconian punishment.
                      Sasa Bule is having a bayi!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I gave two different options. Its up to the OP to decide what advise to follow. As you say, we do not know the full story, hence different types of advice.

                        Criticising other peoples advice is not big and not clever.

                        You are welcome to offer your own advice without trying to belittle others.
                        [COLOR=#ff0000]Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds[/COLOR]. Albert Einstein

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by jim69 View Post
                          I gave two different options. Its up to the OP to decide what advise to follow. As you say, we do not know the full story, hence different types of advice.
                          Sorry, giving a person advice to tell someone they aren't the father, when they're supposedly violent just isn't wise, in my opinion.

                          I always try to think what I'd do if the same thing was done to me. Advice on the internet is worth what you pay for it, of course.
                          Sasa Bule is having a bayi!

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            At the risk of sounding cliched "any man can make a child but only a real man can raise him" even to this day there is still a lot of truth in that statement.

                            Comment

                            Working...
                            X