Indonesian In-laws

[annchen]

I don't like my in-laws :( Actually I would like to have a good relationship with them and so far I could keep smiling, but I just don't like going to their place. It's not like they are asking anything of me, but I just feel really uncomfortable everytime I'm there. I cannot have a proper conversation with them as they don't speak Bhs well and I'm just being forced to eat food I don't like. There house is dark, full of nyamuk, tikus etc and super hot (even though they have a big fan, it's never being used). These are all things that could easily be improved without much money but nothing is being done... it's driving me crazy.
Apart from these simple things they haven't done anything wrong that could make me feel so uncomfortable... and actually my mother in law really seems to like me so I don't understand why I can't like her too...
Does anyone have similar problems?? Or maybe any suggestion on how to make me feel better in their company??

[ricky_id]

Is it because they don't have money or they keep delaying things that they keep the house unimproved?

[redsnapr]

Is there any other young female in your in-law family who can help you as language and cultural interpreter?

[sweetmaria]

Just wondering,how long have you been married to your indonesian spouse?

Where in Indonesia do they live?

I'm not sure about my husband's feeling, but he looked as if he enjoyed it when we went to visit my relatives in rural Java.
I was not born into a rich family, so, the house that we have in the rural is very modest and traditional.
I usually prepared a couple of things for him to be able to enjoy his trip.
1. DEET lotion or spray
2. a working fan, they bought one especially for us.
3. thin t-shirts and shorts made of cotton
4. good decent towel. (he sweats a lot)

i'm lucky that eventhough my relatives there are not rich, but they're fully educated (read: speak Indonesian well) and I can be sure that if I leave my hubby there on his own, he would be able to make friends with the neighbours eventhough they don't speak with the same language. There's such thing as common sign language and he uses drawings too to make people understand.
Another point that he made was that he was a boy scout and he loves backpacking so he used to find himself stranded in a foreign place. So, finding himself in a middle of Java surrounded by villagers won't be a problem for him.
Some children even try their best to practice their English lesson in school with him, which I find very sweet.

PS:
if you dont like their house, why don't you commission someone to fix it for them? They don't actually enjoy living in that state too, but there are other priorities in life that they have to fulfil with what they earn.

[redsnapr]

She didn't say she's living with the in-laws, maria.

[annchen]

Is it because they don't have money or they keep delaying things that they keep the house unimproved?
Of course not having money is part of it, but my father in law works di bangunan, so easy repairs, a little paint and a new lamp shouldn't be a problem.


Is there any other young female in your in-law family who can help you as language and cultural interpreter?
both of his sisters already moved out... only his younger brother is still living at home


if you dont like their house, why don't you commission someone to fix it for them? They don't actually enjoy living in that state too, but there are other priorities in life that they have to fulfil with what they earn.

actually I would like to help them fix their house, but I feel like I'd be criticizing the way they are living. and I'm still a student so I also don't have heaps of money to spend. it's also not like the house is that bad... I used to live in places worse than their house and didn't feel that uncomfortable. I think it's more about the atmosphere... it feels like there is no love in that place.


Just wondering,how long have you been married to your indonesian spouse?

Where in Indonesia do they live?

we just got married, but I've known his family for 3,5 years. I used to live in his kampung (semarang) and that's also where we met.

[ricky_id]

actually I would like to help them fix their house, but I feel like I'd be criticizing the way they are living. and I'm still a student so I also don't have heaps of money to spend. it's also not like the house is that bad... I used to live in places worse than their house and didn't feel that uncomfortable. I think it's more about the atmosphere... it feels like there is no love in that place.

Yes, it's easier said than done. But there are times that I had minor clashes with my grandmother (yes, minor, not as in eviction threats or something) for she forgot to switch off the stove, close the fridge door, close the door when the aircon is on, and so on. And they are repetitive. But I don't think my grandma is bound to change, since especially in my family there's a perception that the older the people are, the harder the attitude can be changed, which is, at least for me, an excuse for her to repeat the acts without having to feel guilty. At one point she even told me, "If I forget to do these, there's still you to do it for me" in a totally relaxed tone. At times of course these things trigger me to think that my grandma is this and that, but instead of going into heavier clashes, I decide to take the matters into my own hand by fixing them i.e. switching off the stove, closing the fridge door, closing the door when the aircon is on.

Based on these experiences and what you told us so far, I think it could be wise that you asked them via your now-hubbie that you both could do some minor repairs each time you come visiting, say on visit one you bring in some nice lamps and on visit two some paint and so on. Based on the cultural things, I think it will be offensive if you do all repairs altogether and if you're assertive. But of course, there's a difference between being assertive and persuasive. Hopefully your mood at the place will improve alongside the house condition this way.

Just my input though, I don't know your exact situation.

[Nimbus]

Have you discussed this with your husband? Ask for his help in making his parents' house more comfortable for you to visit.

[AdamVW]

Yes I agree with ricky-id and Injun, that you need to approach your husband with this issue.

Perhaps Annchen you could say that as a new family member you feel it is your duty to help the family and be a part of it and doing some work around the home would make you feel that you are contributing to it.

Hope this helps a little. :smile:

[annchen]

thanks for the replies...

I've already talked to my husband a couple of times and he always assures me that his mom really loves me, but it's still difficult for me to visit them. I kind of realized that the problem isn't really the house but me. My husband has a very bad relationship with his father (he even calls him "my mom's husband" instead of father) and all the negative things he told me about him probably influenced me in a way that makes me dislike the whole family. When I go to their place tomorrow I'll try to see his mom in a more positive way which will hopefully make me feel better when I'm there. I'll return to Germany this Thursday and don't know when I'll be back in Indonesia and I don't want to leave Indonesia with a bad feeling towards my husbands family.

[sweetmaria]

thanks for the replies...

I kind of realized that the problem isn't really the house but me. My husband has a very bad relationship with his father (he even calls him "my mom's husband" instead of father) and all the negative things he told me about him probably influenced me in a way that makes me dislike the whole family. When I go to their place tomorrow I'll try to see his mom in a more positive way which will hopefully make me feel better when I'm there.

Well, you're not alone there.

Even I personally dislike my step father and my husband hates him even more. I usually avoid any contact or anything to do with him, and I refuse to call him "bapak" as I used to call my late father.

My husband used to have a very difficult time dealing with my mom, when seeing how my mom treated his whole family and made everyone from his family feel comfortable during their trip here for our wedding, it changed his point of view.

[kverz]

I think the key to your problem is "Acceptance". I know it is easier said than done but some things are just the way it should be and all you need to do is take a deep breath and just accept your in laws as they are. Try to appreciate their life, culture, and maybe you can help them in organizing their house. Plan some home activity for the whole family to enjoy as well.

[ScooterIndo]

Oh please stop your complaining, it could be a lot worse - they could come to your house :pound:

[akutonpa]

I agree, you have to accept certain things (as they probably do with me).

I have to accept that the father in law doesn't cover his mouth when sneezing. In the right light you can see the cone of spittle in the air, often punctuated with a globule of phlegm. This full stop remains where it landed.

I also have to accept that he uses his hands or t-shirt as a hanky. The former technique results in wiping the contents of his nose on his shorts or t-shirt.

In addition, you can witness his silhouetted figure standing in the bathroom doorway and hear the tinkle of water on the tiled floor. However, not two steps away is a receptacle designed to capture the said water. Having accepted that, I have to accept that he doesn't rinse the floor.

I hope he doesn't visit my house.