View Full Version : Wife beaters in Indonesia
I know this problem isn't limited to Indonesia, but my gf's friend is constantly having problems with her husband. Usual story of him gambling, losing all of their money/possessions, him getting drunk and beating her up. This husband hates my girlfriend meeting his wife, which only makes him more angry. Probably she is one of the few people who knows what is going on.
I have met this girl and she is young and adorable. She is also pregnant and has already lost two babies. My girlfriend's family have said to her not to get involved.
The girl doesn't want to go to the police or get anyone else involved. The girl needs some serious help. I thought the guy's family might show some kind of interest, but obviously they only hear his side of the story.
Of course I would love to sort this guy out as I am sure many others here would, but I am sure that would lead to other problems.
Every story like this I have ever heard about only results in tragedy.
:mad::mad::mad::mad:
If the guy is more of a burden than support than perhaps the best method is to report him and the establishment he gambles at to the police. Altough this is a round about method it might get him out of the picture for a little while if she's lucky.
Other than that the police or local religious group they belong to might mediate the situation.
I doubt these type of things end good no matter what country you are living in. It basically means the women needs to leave now or leave later and then get a divorce...
Two witnesses of domestic violence/abuse and a procedure of divorce is the only solution to my opinion. It worked well for a person I know.
Problem is who should report the problem without there being repercussions to the informant. I hadn't even thought about the people running the gambling operation.
Definitely agree she needs to get out of the situation, but she says she still loves her husband. This girl is really young. When I saw her, I couldn't believe she was married, let alone pregnant.
Black Adder
17-01-09, 20:08
Definitely agree she needs to get out of the situation, but she says she still loves her husband. This girl is really young. When I saw her, I couldn't believe she was married, let alone pregnant.
In that case I doubt her parents would support her in a divorce action and would probably take his side........
I tried to beat my wife once, shiiiiiiiiiiiiiitt, that woman hits back..........
Problem is who should report the problem without there being repercussions to the informant. I hadn't even thought about the people running the gambling operation.
To my experience, it is gonna be hard to find Indonesian willing to testify in a court or even in a police office... I have been a witness for the person I mentionned earlier... and the second witness was another foreigner. There was dozens of Indonesian who witnessed the repeated abuse (even what would have been qualified as an attempt of murder in my home country), but they all vanished when they were proposed to act as witness:eek:
I know this problem isn't limited to Indonesia, but my gf's friend is constantly having problems with her husband. Usual story of him gambling, losing all of their money/possessions, him getting drunk and beating her up. This husband hates my girlfriend meeting his wife, which only makes him more angry. Probably she is one of the few people who knows what is going on.
I have met this girl and she is young and adorable. She is also pregnant and has already lost two babies. My girlfriend's family have said to her not to get involved.
The girl doesn't want to go to the police or get anyone else involved. The girl needs some serious help. I thought the guy's family might show some kind of interest, but obviously they only hear his side of the story.
Of course I would love to sort this guy out as I am sure many others here would, but I am sure that would lead to other problems.
Every story like this I have ever heard about only results in tragedy.
:mad::mad::mad::mad:
Totally unacceptable. He should be dealt with. And you say she is CURRENTLY pregnant??? I suggest approaching some of the men in her family. Should this not work, and you aren't inclined to do it yourself. Then I suggest you cut all contact with her, IF SHE IS NOT WILLING TO HELP HERSELF. FURTHER ADVISE YOUR GF THAT SOMETHING MUST BE DONE, BEFORE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AT ALL CAN BE DONE AND BE SURE SHE RELATES THAT TO HER BEST FRIEND...
Please view your PM...
As a foreigner getting involved in this type of situation, especially since the women does not want to leave her husband is just trouble for you. The women needs to want your help before you can do anything.
Local customs and family issues rule this type of problem in non-city areas. No matter what you do to help it may just explode in your face. If the women leaves the husband and you shelter her in your house. You might find a mob of people threatening to burn down your house one night.
Be realistic.
You cannot help. Same as babies in Africa with AIDS.
Sad indeed, but walk away.
Be realistic.
You cannot help. Same as babies in Africa with AIDS.
Sad indeed, but walk away.
How timely and sad that you should mention those small souls in Africa. I remember reading a syndication on the internet yesterday, though I don't recall where...it actually suggested that in a particular area (perhaps most stricken with the epidemic) that men were under the impression to rid themselves of the disease, a local witch doctor suggested taking virgins was the cure. It deeply saddens me to learn these men scoured the countryside in search of young boys and girls....:mad::(
I agree with what everyone has said. I know I am not going to do anything directly, but it's something i can't stop thinking about recently. She really has no one to turn to as her family disowned her when she married her husband as she had to convert to Catholic.
Utterly horrid and I agree with your sentiments 100% Bj.
But do you agree, that in this case of the wife beater, the poster cannot effect positive change without unknown repercussions?
Better that we pick and chose the fights we can win.
[quote=cirebloke;14391]Be realistic.
You cannot help. Same as babies in Africa with AIDS.
Sad indeed, but walk away. [quote]
It's this attitude that saddens me. Did you ever think that the situation still exsists because people just 'walk away'?
Tell yourself you can't do anything, if that makes you feel better. But people have gone down in history because they didn't 'walk away', they decided they'd rather not 'feel better' and wash their hands.
Maybe the human heart is too weak to take on the many burdens of the world. But heck, a human heart not affected by poverty, disaster, violence, oppression and neglect sounds like a damn strong heart to me. Not mention cursed with ability, knowledge and compassion.
Sure, this particular situation is difficult. But a favourite quote of mine is:
"Love, it's a harsh and dreadful thing to ask of us, But it's the ONLY way"
Mother Theresa
"The question is not whether we will be extremists, but of what kind? Where are the extremist of Love and Grace?"
Martin Luther King
[quote=cirebloke;14391]Be realistic.
You cannot help. Same as babies in Africa with AIDS.
Sad indeed, but walk away. [quote]
It's this attitude that saddens me. Did you ever think that the situation still exsists because people just 'walk away'?
Tell yourself you can't do anything, if that makes you feel better. But people have gone down in history because they didn't 'walk away', they decided they'd rather not 'feel better' and wash their hands.
Maybe the human heart is too weak to take on the many burdens of the world. But heck, a human heart not affected by poverty, disaster, violence, oppression and neglect sounds like a damn strong heart to me. Not mention cursed with ability, knowledge and compassion.
Sure, this particular situation is difficult. But a favourite quote of mine is:
"Love, it's a harsh and dreadful thing to ask of us, But it's the ONLY way"
Mother Theresa
"The question is not whether we will be extremists, but of what kind? Where are the extremist of Love and Grace?"
Martin Luther King
I admire your post...the words are inspiring, but can you tell me, rather tell INMEDAN what can be done as he is obviously in the thick of it. Like you, I try to wrap my mind to around this thing and I draw blanks, usually I'm to overwhelmed with anger and frustration and thus as most males tend to do...go off half cocked.
I don't agree that violence is the answer to all things, but in some circumstances a demonstration is necessary. Cirebloke's position to not do anything, shouldn't be seen as an attempt to validate washing one's hands as if the problem didn't exist. In my opinion he was informing INMEDAN to not take matters in his own hands physically. And that is most assuredly sound advice.
As a female...How would you suggest helping this woman????
I agree with what everyone has said. I know I am not going to do anything directly, but it's something i can't stop thinking about recently. She really has no one to turn to as her family disowned her when she married her husband as she had to convert to Catholic.
Please check your PM.
[quote=cirebloke;14391]Be realistic.
You cannot help. Same as babies in Africa with AIDS.
Sad indeed, but walk away. [quote]
It's this attitude that saddens me. Did you ever think that the situation still exsists because people just 'walk away'?
Tell yourself you can't do anything, if that makes you feel better. But people have gone down in history because they didn't 'walk away', they decided they'd rather not 'feel better' and wash their hands.
Maybe the human heart is too weak to take on the many burdens of the world. But heck, a human heart not affected by poverty, disaster, violence, oppression and neglect sounds like a damn strong heart to me. Not mention cursed with ability, knowledge and compassion.
Sure, this particular situation is difficult. But a favourite quote of mine is:
"Love, it's a harsh and dreadful thing to ask of us, But it's the ONLY way"
Mother Theresa
"The question is not whether we will be extremists, but of what kind? Where are the extremist of Love and Grace?"
Martin Luther King
Then I shall be glad to send every sob story of the world directly to your door, so that you may fix their sorrows with a couple of well chosen, but all to clichéd, quotes.
I am not being heartless, rather, I am warning the poster of the possible problems if he gets involved.
Does he know every member of the extended families of both husband and wife and all their friends? Is he suggesting that if he moves her in to his home all we be well? He could easy make trouble for himself and his GF. I am just asking him to think hard before getting involved and to be pragmatic.
And by the way, billions of dollars have been spent in Africa on helping people. You think it has made a huge impact?
Oh Cirebloke...
Don't you sleep soundly at night.
Every single person has the ability to make the world a better place, is this not correct?
Every single person has the capacity to show love, compassion and grace, fair comment?
The point is to do what you can, when you can. There are those that can't, and those that can and don't.
I'd suggest to Immedan to make himself available as safety. Sure, if the lady in question doesn't want help then good luck to her. But if she gets herself a plan to put into action when the sh*t does finally hit the fan, then that'd be mighty wise of her. Say, if the plan involved Immedan's residence, or similar meeting point, to be a safe place she knows will be available. There needs to be a safety plan.
A family member of mine was a very violent person, we had a neighbour down the street who's door was always open to us, as if an evacuation plan for an earthquake.
I can understand the lady may not be thinking as clear as she should, violence affects the body, but the mind much more severly. The sh*t will hit the fan, there is no doubt. Unless something is done. She needs support people for her to approach, rather than the other way around. What goes on behind closed doors can be a very touchy subject, probably moreso in Asian culture. Here in NZ, we have a big problem of domestic violence, more often than not, the victim is under their control, and deludes the possibility of change.
As for the world issues. It's this attitude of lethargy and ignorance that sickens me sometimes. I am telling you, you're not helpless. Everyone can do something. Maybe we've been brainwashed to think it's out of our hands. We think the authorities are too big, they are in charge of everything, it's up to them to make change. Ok, how many people in authority, and how many people are not? The latter greatly out-numbers the former. So, they do make big decisions, but we can too.
I don't want to argue about this topic anyway. It's what drives me to do the things I do.
And I'm sure you wouldn't want to dishearten or discourage these good things, would you?
Or are you quite determined to prove to everybody that we are helpless and cannot make any change???
Oh Cirebloke...
Don't you sleep soundly at night.
Every single person has the ability to make the world a better place, is this not correct?
Every single person has the capacity to show love, compassion and grace, fair comment?
The point is to do what you can, when you can. There are those that can't, and those that can and don't.
I don't want to argue about this topic anyway. It's what drives me to do the things I do.
And I'm sure you wouldn't want to dishearten or discourage these good things, would you?
Or are you quite determined to prove to everybody that we are helpless and cannot make any change???
Good post smat, better not to judge me though, without knowing more about me.
All I am saying is for this guy to be careful. There are some folk in life who cannot be helped, of course, most certainly can be.
Sorry Cirebloke, didn't mean to offend. Just the attitude really gets to me. I understand why people think that way, but that doesn't make it ok.
I know this problem isn't limited to Indonesia, but my gf's friend is constantly having problems with her husband. Usual story of him gambling, losing all of their money/possessions, him getting drunk and beating her up. This husband hates my girlfriend meeting his wife, which only makes him more angry. Probably she is one of the few people who knows what is going on.
I have met this girl and she is young and adorable. She is also pregnant and has already lost two babies. My girlfriend's family have said to her not to get involved.
The girl doesn't want to go to the police or get anyone else involved. The girl needs some serious help. I thought the guy's family might show some kind of interest, but obviously they only hear his side of the story.
Of course I would love to sort this guy out as I am sure many others here would, but I am sure that would lead to other problems.
Every story like this I have ever heard about only results in tragedy.
:mad::mad::mad::mad:
Inmedan, to keep it simple, make yourself and your support available to her. She needs to realise she's not hopeless, and it doesn't have to be the way it is at the moment, though to her - it probably doesn't feel that way. She may have even decided that this is her fate for the rest of her life. But there's hope yet. All it takes is for her to decide she doesn't deserve to be treated this way. She needs to make a safety plan, and perhaps you could be a part of that.
I wouldn't advise getting authorities involved, (unless he commits a crime that cannot be denied and will be convicted) she might resent you for that, and it would get messier.
Bottom line, it needs to come from her, from inside the situation. It is possible for her life to be without this abuse.
I have met women in similiar situations. One lady supports her mother (father is deceased) and two of her siblings. She is caught between a rock and a hard place. If she leaves him her job doesn't pay enough to support her, her baby and her family. How can you argue that?
Sure no one deserves to be hit. Its a terrible thing. Unless you are willing to support someone like this financialy what can be done for her to leave him unless he is suddenly out of the picture if you catch my drift.
Stepping into it will almost surely bring negative repercussions to one who steps into that fire unless the husband went missing. Catch the drift again?
I am a firm believer that men should raise their hands against men ONLY. No fifty ways about it. I do understand the difficulty related to wanting to help a person and only to find out, they refuse. In this case, that unborn child is of great concern and its relative safety. Very sad the inlaws or some other party won't intervene. Too bad she can't report it to a local police dept. Then INMEDAN could relax:)
Keep your head up INMEDAN....
I have met women in similiar situations. One lady supports her mother (father is deceased) and two of her siblings. She is caught between a rock and a hard place. If she leaves him her job doesn't pay enough to support her, her baby and her family. How can you argue that?
Sure no one deserves to be hit. Its a terrible thing. Unless you are willing to support someone like this financialy what can be done for her to leave him unless he is suddenly out of the picture if you catch my drift.
Stepping into it will almost surely bring negative repercussions to one who steps into that fire unless the husband went missing. Catch the drift again?
I believe that if someone hit the husband back he would get the point.
gigantopithecus
21-01-09, 08:42
pimpin was right, like it or not this kind of matter always related with money (in Indonesia), as i know.
if she still have parents, talk with them, sort it out. no parents will let them child down in this situation, but then again someone gotta convince that they will support the financial aspect till it's done (it's if she/the parents can't afford it).
it's not love when someone beat another, whoever should've convince her to get a divorce no matter what (i would, if i can get in touch with her).
pimpin was right, like it or not this kind of matter always related with money (in Indonesia), as i know.
if she still have parents, talk with them, sort it out. no parents will let them child down in this situation, but then again someone gotta convince that they will support the financial aspect till it's done (it's if she/the parents can't afford it).
it's not love when someone beat another, whoever should've convince her to get a divorce no matter what (i would, if i can get in touch with her).
Your comment sound very true to my ear, especially the last part. I have gone through this kind of story as I said before in an earlier post and I would do it again without hesitation if it would happen again. In two months (plus money for the divorce) we get rid of the former husband and police warned him to stay away after that he tried to put pressure on the girl.
Of course if the girl does not consider divorcing, there is no point forcing her.
However, I would tell you that "no parents will let them child down in this situation" is unfortunately a wrong statement. I know a lot of indonesian parents (mostly fathers) who prefer to close their eyes on any abuse that their daughter may face rather than accepting a divorce which would "shame" the family ! In my region we do have a major problem with alcoolism. Along with that, you have a lot of problems of domestic violence. Parents often close their eyes/ears :(
no parents will let them child down in this situation
Yes, you would think so, but her parents disowned after she converted to Christianity to get married.
Latest report is she is doing better. Who knows for how long though.
Yes, you would think so, but her parents disowned after she converted to Christianity to get married.
Latest report is she is doing better. Who knows for how long though.
The plain and simple truth is...if it happened the first time, that only paves the way for 3rd time, 10th time etc etc...what are the chances of the husband being struck by lightning and discovering an incredible revelation........"Hey buddy, most and I do mean most women are delicate, so keep it in mind and if she is carrying your child, you may want to lay off raising the voice and creating any undue stress as well"
I think not!!!
gigantopithecus
22-01-09, 07:23
However, I would tell you that "no parents will let them child down in this situation" is unfortunately a wrong statement
If i didn't experience it myself i would never make that statement atlantis :D
so there you go. i have no need to explain further more, but i know "how" it will works (how to get help from your parents for this kinda case).
this girl obviously like to get abused cus she's in love with the abuser (if she don't like it she will do anything to get away from him).
i just hope whoever read my post, esp. a person who experienced a same situation with their bf/gf/hubby/wife, etc etc, there's nothing best to solve this matter than leaving them. life goes on
gigantopithecus
22-01-09, 07:30
but her parents disowned after she converted to Christianity to get married
thats what normally happened, but i don't think any parents will be happy seeing their daughter+baby in a body bag.
thats what normally happened, but i don't think any parents will be happy seeing their daughter+baby in a body bag.
Yep... but unfortunately they will regret only after it happens when it happens. Domestic violence is a very common problem in kampungs/low educated circles and it does not seem that parents really address the problem. Some certainly give support to their daughter, but believe me, a lot don't. Fact. If something happen, many will claim that they did not know how serious the problem was... Down my road, a drunk husband just "tikam" his wife (she is still alive but had to go to the hospital in order to treat the wound) a month ago. Back home, I am sure that if I talk to the father/mother who live just next door, I bet they will tell me they did not know how crazy the guy is... In the past five years I had to go myself two times to bring the girl to the hospital because the husband badly beat her. How come do I know it and her parents living next door "ignore" it? I even had a rather "tough" discussion with the guy one day he was sober. I just should better badly beat him the way he is beating his wife. Then he would understand.:mad:
I just should better badly beat him the way he is beating his wife. Then he would understand.:mad:
To advocate violence is wrong but some people in this world only understand my point of view until they experience the violence done upon them. Since labor is so cheap here I bet you could hire a bunch of laborers and tell them to fix the husband until he is "repaired" suficiently. :D I bet that it woun't take more that three repairs until the husband was fixed.
To advocate violence is wrong but some people in this world only understand my point of view until they experience the violence done upon them. Since labor is so cheap here I bet you could hire a bunch of laborers and tell them to fix the husband until he is "repaired" suficiently. :D I bet that it woun't take more that three repairs until the husband was fixed.
I am afraid that this one needs a weekly check up...:D
There is a saying attributed to the Arabs of North Africa from that says, "Beat your wife every day. If you don't know why, she does."
I never knew if that was intended to be a joke or if that was true ?
Beating wives was not so uncommon a few years ago in Europe, I even remember to have seen on TV that a drunk guy beat his wife very violently, neighbours called the police who put the guy in jail. Then the wife just said :" it is my husband, free him immediately, it is his right to beat me".
Still nowadays, it is hidden (unless the guy is drunk), beating is probably less violent but it still do exist in all kind of social environments and it is very common also in Europe but it is often very difficult to notice or even to imagine.It is always difficult to get involve in the intimate life of a couple/family as it is complicated.
I remember, many years ago a collegue of me discussed one day with me the fact that he often beat his girlfriends. I could never guessed it, he was a very normal, intelligent and educated young man. He talked to me because he was unable alone to find a solution to his problem and I truely believe he was very sad about this situation.
Like there are violent kids, there are violent adults . They have strong negative feelings that they cannot express in another way that thru violence toward their wife/girlfriend. I suppose the only way is to persuade them to go to see someone who will help them to better control such violent feelings that we all have and find other way to eliminate them.
If I would know a such case, I think I would politely and with calm try to discuss this matter with the guy as a first option.
If I would know a such case, I think I would politely and with calm try to discuss this matter with the guy as a first option.
Agreed... as long as the guy has the education to understand the wrong he is doing. In my everyday life in Indonesia I have to live, do business and interact with people from very different background and education. I was (and still am sometimes) puzzled to see that what is an absolute evidence to me can be nothing more than a detail to someone else with a different background. Many people would not even understand why you try to reason the guy. In the particular case I was talking at post #31, I had a discussion with the guy who came to see me a few years ago to apply for a job. I had a long discussion with him and he was polite enough to listen to me explaining him that it was not fair from him to do that to a person he sweared to protect when he married and that I could not admit that one would be staff of us display this type of behaviour, etc. He listened to me for about 30 minutes and when we finished the "interview" he waited that I left the room and anxiously asked to my wife: "so... does he want to gimme the job ?"... The guy did not understand any of the point I tried to make, no matter if I explained him in our local dialect ! Hopeless.:(
I am afraid that this one needs a weekly check up...:D
How about a prepaid "THUG" card that the wife can use when she needs to repay the husband for all his "lovin"? I supose the concerned expat could load the card with 500,000 RP. The wife would merely call the number on the back of the card, inform the person at "THUG ANONYMOUS" where to find the husband and BAM! Instant gratification...
How about a prepaid "THUG" card that the wife can use when she needs to repay the husband for all his "lovin"? I supose the concerned expat could load the card with 500,000 RP. The wife would merely call the number on the back of the card, inform the person at "THUG ANONYMOUS" where to find the husband and BAM! Instant gratification...
nice.....:D
How about a prepaid "THUG" card that the wife can use when she needs to repay the husband for all his "lovin"? I supose the concerned expat could load the card with 500,000 RP. The wife would merely call the number on the back of the card, inform the person at "THUG ANONYMOUS" where to find the husband and BAM! Instant gratification...
Gosh... For 500K the guys's gonna be beaten for a full year !
Gosh... For 500K the guys's gonna be beaten for a full year !
Definatly he would get atleast as much "lovin" as he gives... :D No further external help required. The couple handle the issue between them. He gives her some "lovin" and she is empowered to give it back as needed. Actually this program would probably work well in almost every situation I can think of...
wont make him learn nuffink but
sumyunggai
01-02-09, 06:05
I know an Indonesian guy, he had a Indonesian girlfriend. Anyway, he met this very nice Eastern European woman, I think she was a tour guide in Europe somewhere. Anyway, there's a common thing in this scenario of the Indonesian going out with the bule till they go back to buleland and then getting back together with the Indonesian partner afterwards.
Unfortunately for him, he took it too far with the pretty white woman for his Indonesian girlfriend's taste, and the Indo gf told the police he had beaten Indo gf up. I think he spent the night in prison.
White woman went home, and they are back together now.
I know an Indonesian guy, he had a Indonesian girlfriend. Anyway, he met this very nice Eastern European woman, I think she was a tour guide in Europe somewhere. Anyway, there's a common thing in this scenario of the Indonesian going out with the bule till they go back to buleland and then getting back together with the Indonesian partner afterwards.
Unfortunately for him, he took it too far with the pretty white woman for his Indonesian girlfriend's taste, and the Indo gf told the police he had beaten Indo gf up. I think he spent the night in prison.
White woman went home, and they are back together now.
Wow, nothing like a woman scorned:D
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